I should either have a baby in my arms right now or a very big belly impatiently waiting on the baby to come. It's hard to believe it was so long ago that I was pregnant even if it was only for a moment. To a point it feels longer then last fall. I almost feel like the last nine months was waisted time. Time when I could have been pregnant and reaching the point of having a complete family. One thing I have learned in our long journey to get pregnant again is that the first pregnancy (Kaitlyn) doesn't even come to mind when you are struggling yet again.
My realization over the last month. Now that I have two failed
IVFs behind me the failure part is hard to get over. I've been having the same feeling as with home pregnancy tests (
hpt). I hate
hpt because when using one I always have the feeling that it will never read "pregnant", have two lines, a plus sign or whatever it's supposed to do. Using a
hpt is like dooming any chances of a pregnancy. I know in reality this isn't true, but I can't wrap my mind around that truth. Now thinking about doing an
FET reminds me of my last two
IVFs. I'm starting to feel like they will never work. Will I just be throwing more money away doing an
FET? It almost feels doomed before it starts. Especially because during the last
IVF I really felt like it may have worked. I was having symptoms that I don't get before starting my period. My debate this time is not talking to so many people about what I'm doing when I'm doing it. I can't handle the fails hope.
My last thought for the moment... I know people stop by my site a lot because I see the footprints on my live feed. Few people comment, but that's fine because I know they do stop by. One thing that happened in the past when I posted about my fertility struggles is someone felt compelled to post negative comments,
anonymous of course; coward! This blog is for me to vent and share whatever is going on in my life. If you don't like the fact that I complain about my struggle to get pregnant again then you should have stopped reading the post before you even reached this sentence. Click your back button, spit on your computer if you must spew
venom, and regain your wits. I don't need to hear your negative comments. I have been in your shoes of not having a child and struggling to have one. Now I'm in the shoes you will hopefully one day be in of having a child yet still struggling to have one. Showing understanding to people still in the infertility race will in turn get you understanding later on too.
Okay I have one more thought. I just wanted to say I
appreciate Hilary and all the encouragement and random comments she leaves me. It's nice when someone takes a
glimpse into your life and actually takes a moment to say "Hey...". I can't leave out Christina too. I know nothing about her life because she doesn't have a blog, but from time to time she pops in to leave a little message.
My comments are open to anyone with or without a blog.