Monday, July 28, 2008

Due Date

I should either have a baby in my arms right now or a very big belly impatiently waiting on the baby to come. It's hard to believe it was so long ago that I was pregnant even if it was only for a moment. To a point it feels longer then last fall. I almost feel like the last nine months was waisted time. Time when I could have been pregnant and reaching the point of having a complete family. One thing I have learned in our long journey to get pregnant again is that the first pregnancy (Kaitlyn) doesn't even come to mind when you are struggling yet again.

My realization over the last month. Now that I have two failed IVFs behind me the failure part is hard to get over. I've been having the same feeling as with home pregnancy tests (hpt). I hate hpt because when using one I always have the feeling that it will never read "pregnant", have two lines, a plus sign or whatever it's supposed to do. Using a hpt is like dooming any chances of a pregnancy. I know in reality this isn't true, but I can't wrap my mind around that truth. Now thinking about doing an FET reminds me of my last two IVFs. I'm starting to feel like they will never work. Will I just be throwing more money away doing an FET? It almost feels doomed before it starts. Especially because during the last IVF I really felt like it may have worked. I was having symptoms that I don't get before starting my period. My debate this time is not talking to so many people about what I'm doing when I'm doing it. I can't handle the fails hope.

My last thought for the moment... I know people stop by my site a lot because I see the footprints on my live feed. Few people comment, but that's fine because I know they do stop by. One thing that happened in the past when I posted about my fertility struggles is someone felt compelled to post negative comments, anonymous of course; coward! This blog is for me to vent and share whatever is going on in my life. If you don't like the fact that I complain about my struggle to get pregnant again then you should have stopped reading the post before you even reached this sentence. Click your back button, spit on your computer if you must spew venom, and regain your wits. I don't need to hear your negative comments. I have been in your shoes of not having a child and struggling to have one. Now I'm in the shoes you will hopefully one day be in of having a child yet still struggling to have one. Showing understanding to people still in the infertility race will in turn get you understanding later on too.

Okay I have one more thought. I just wanted to say I appreciate Hilary and all the encouragement and random comments she leaves me. It's nice when someone takes a glimpse into your life and actually takes a moment to say "Hey...". I can't leave out Christina too. I know nothing about her life because she doesn't have a blog, but from time to time she pops in to leave a little message.

My comments are open to anyone with or without a blog.


Hilary said...

AAWWW thankyou for the shout out...We seems to have alot in commom except I couldn't sew anything to safe my life :) I feel for you and your journey to become a Momma's a hard road filled with many hills and valleys!Never give up keep pluggin' along..have a great week! :)

Jessica & Ryan said...

Hi, your on my xanga list and when i saw you had a blogspot i thought id read through it. I feel the same way, for some reason i enjoy posting just about everywhere else but xanga better and i like the way i can set up my photos on here alot more! Anyways, i just thought id say hi and that your sewing is really great. As for your IVF, while i have never had to go through it and only know what i've seen on the medical tv shows.. it seems like alot to put your body through as well as your mind. It shows how much you love your family that you keep tring. Good luck!

Anonymous said...

I also love using other blogs other than xanga. Right now I feel lost with xanga because so many women on there that I started chatting with have babies or are pregnant. I don't fit in.

So I started a blogger, but now have wordpress because you can do so much more with it.

I hope a FET works for you. A lot of women have a better chance with it because your body isn't so overly stressed with all the meds for a fresh cycle.


Anonymous said...

Heather, thanks for including me! I have not looked in on you in awhile. I thought of you this evening and started reading your posts backward from the top.

Shame on anyone who makes nasty comments when you are sharing something so personal.

I will be praying that God will see fit to send you and Neal a baby in this 6th year of your marriage.