1 Year Later

So what do I call this?  Their birthday?  Today marks one year since the twins were permanently removed from our lives.  It seemed so wrong for my D&C to land on April 1st.  What a joke right?  When I woke up from the anesthesia I asked a nurse if they by any chance found a third baby in their.  I thought I was being funny, but I'm sure in my VERY sleepy state that I came across serious.  Obviously not serious enough seeing how she didn't get me any answers nor did ANYONE in the medical field explain ANYTHING to me that day.  The doctor went out and talked with Neal, but I never saw her after the surgery.  I had questions too.  Had they lived and arrived early like their big sister, they would be about six months old now.

A friend asked recently if I was having a hard day over the loss of the babies.  I told her it was more of a hard three months; it started in January which was a year from the beginning of the IVF.  Then February rolled around marking the beginning of life for several more of our children.  Unfortunately only two made it back into my womb.  The others weren't strong enough to survive the freeze so they passed away early.  Ugh... then March came.  March was a hard month.  We spent the whole month on our face before God begging for the health of our babies, speaking life into them, then saying goodbye to one only to lose the second a week later.  The week of my birthday is when we found out the babies were gone.  Isn't that just a happy time?  Who wants to spend their birthday knowing the babies they still carry are dead?  We had to wait nine agonizing days for the D&C.  And then it was all over.

Now what God's intentions were for our two survivors is beyond me.  Why did He allow me to get pregnant only to lose them?  Why did Andrew have Trisomy 13, 14, and 15?  Why did Sarah have to die when she appeared perfectly healthy?  Some of the doctor's words can really come back to bite at times.  One doctor told me, "You will come home with one baby in October, but I'm not sure if you will have two."  Little did he know God was going to take them both home just a matter of weeks later.

This week we watched the season finally of 19 Kids and Counting.  We cried with the Duggars while they grieved for Jubilee.  When Michelle was talking about her final days with her baby, I understood.  I felt the same way as she described.  Even thought the baby or babies are gone, while they are inside you that's it, that's your final time with them on earth.  The worst part about being the pre-op room was it being open to about 24 other patients as well as nurses and doctors.  The lady beside me was having a breast reduction and chatted on with the nurses on how happy she was to get it done.  How pointless huh?  Do you realize how dumb some of the things we worry about are?  How meaningless they are?  I laid there in the bed, spending my last hour with the twins, wanting to mourn their loss, all the while sucking it out because I was surrounded by people.  I have to give it to the nurses, they handled it as well as they could.  Just like with infertility, there's just some things you shouldn't say to people.  Not to mention it leaves many people simply not knowing what to say.  I remember being asked a couple times afterwards, "How are you doing?"  I was always taken back by the question.  My first response was, "HOW IN THE WORLD DO YOU THINK I'M DOING?!!! DID YOU READ MY CHART AND SEE MY DEAD BABIES WERE JUST REMOVED FROM MY BODY?!"  Of course I didn't say that.  I would tell them how my physical body was responding post surgery.

As for the Duggars I often wonder how they feel about the show still being called 19 Kids and Counting.  They've lost two now.  Michelle talked about needing closure.  One thing she said was needed to acknowledge Jubilee's life.  I'm not sure how they would change the kid line up in the opener, adding in Jubilee, without the mood turning dark.  I'm curious how Michelle and Jim Bob feel now when telling someone, "we have 19 kids".  I know for myself, when I say Kaitlyn Joy is an only child I feel like I'm lying.  Simply because they didn't take one breath on this earth didn't mean they never had life, yet most people would see it that way.

Sarah and Andrew, gone, but not forgotten.  You're very much missed.

Missing You...

Do you ever wonder how things are in heaven?  Today is Sarah and Andrew's due date.  However, they were heaven born at the end of March.  Does God have a womb area were embryos finish growing?  I imagine if they had lived they would probably be about a month old by now.  Kaitlyn Joy was an early bird so given that they were twins I'm sure an early entry would have been inevitable.  Then again, I guess that's kind of what they did.  Do you think people are what we consider "perfect" in heaven?  We can see any limitations as disabilities.  Does God?  Is Andrew "normal" or is he still the same little guy with multiple chromosomes?  Just because someone is different doesn't mean they are suffering.

I have been keeping my eyes open for just the right angel ornaments for the Christmas tree that goes in my room.  I've debated painting them out of ceramic or wood.  I've thought about crocheting some angels or sewing some rag dolls (angels).  However, nothing fit.  They just weren't right.  Then while at Walmart I came across little teddy bear ornaments in pink/blue sweaters.  Perfect!  The bears remind me of the two we have for Sarah and Andrew.  I bought six packages (24 bears).  Well, eight because I bought two, one in pink and the other blue, before deciding to use them on the whole tree.

I wonder when the day will come that I don't think of the twins daily or as of since they entered our lives, multiple time a day?

I miss my babies.

Invisible Mothers

I would just like to say Happy Mother's Day to all the invisible mothers and those who deeply desire to be a mother, but have yet to achieve it.  Invisible mothers you know who you are.  You're the ones who were pregnant for a short time and lost your baby.  You might be the one who made it halfway or to the end of your pregnancy only to have your baby die.  Perhaps you actually got to birth your baby, held it in your arms then much to soon had to say goodbye.  There's one more area of the invisible mother that I think is every parents worst nightmare, it's the parent who loses their child either to illness, murder, or a tragic accident.  I'm not downplaying the loss of a child at any age or gestation, but I think invisible moms have it worse because the child they lost was their first.  It was the child that made them a mom.  Only people don't seem to think of them as moms because they don't have a child in their arms.  So to all these women I would like acknowledge your God given title of mother and say Happy Mother's Day!

For all the other women who were blessed to never face the loss of a child, Happy Mother's Day to you too.

Here For a Moment...

Sarah Elizabeth

Last week we learned Baby A was our little girl, Sarah Elizabeth.  Her chromosomal test showed she was perfectly fine.  To cut the doctor's long explanation short, she got a bug she couldn't beat.  How did she catch this bug?  Only God knows for sure.  Perhaps it was from the embryo transfer; I really don't know.  Neal and I had talked about names very little this time around.  While pregnant with Kaitlyn Joy we talked about the name Elizabeth; Neal really liked it.  We already had a girl and boy named picked out from when we were pregnant with Kj however the first names were to close.  I told Neal if we were having one of each we would have to change the girl name.  I really became fond of Sarah so Sarah Elizabeth she became.

Sarah - Princess

Elizabeth - God is my oath.

Andrew (my maiden name)

Baby B was our little boy, Andrew.  His middle name was to be my maiden name; for privacy I'm not going to post it.  Andrew was a special little guy.  For one he held out the longest before he finally had to give up the fight for his short life.  Andrew had multiple chromosomal abnormalities; one of which led to his passing in early pregnancy.  To give you a brief idea of his health, his most "livable" Trisomy was 13 and most babies die in utero.  Those who survive typically pass before their first birthday. I'm very thankful for Andrew's sake he didn't have to live long with all the complications he was facing.  If he had survived it would have been a constant fight to keep and sustain his life.

Andrew - Manly

I wish I had better photos of Sarah and Andrew, but after six weeks they stopped giving them to me.  I had three more ultrasounds after this one.  At seven weeks Sarah's fetal pole and heartbeat couldn't be found.  At eight weeks Andrew followed his sister.  At nine weeks I had an ultrasound to confirm God hadn't done a supernatural miracle.  We hoped and prayed despite the seven and eight week ultrasounds that at nine weeks at least one would have a heartbeat.  And to think, I thought it would be hard come October to only bring one baby home.  I'm curious when God takes them home early how old they are in Heaven?  Are they babies?  Does he have an embryonic nursery in Heaven?  However God works it, I know Sarah and Andrew are in good company with their 23 other brothers and sisters.

Baby Steps

You hope you're moving on, but it just takes one question to push you right back to the moment. Some people wonder why you won't tell them everything while you're going through it. They spin it as their prayers will be more effective or better focused if they are fully in the know. The good thing is God is more fully in the know then any of us so it doesn't matter if the majority of our world is in the dark; God knows. If he cares when a sparrow falls he cares about me and my world. The bad thing about other people being in the know when something goes wrong is: a) they want to ask a lot of questions many that aren't the most appropriate, and b) you must tell them the bad news. People don't understand it's hard enough to live it without having to retell it over and over again. I haven't been to church since my babies died. Emotionally, I just didn't feel I could handle it. People ask questions, they say things and well... I wasn't ready to face it. There's only one lady at church I expected to ask me about it. I wanted to catch her and fill her in, but didn't get the chance before the service. When we were standing in line to get Kaitlyn Joy from her class the lady approached me all smiles. She wanted to know how things were. She knew the pregnancy was rocky. I shook my head no. She said, "Oh, no" then quickly moved down the hallway. Instantly I was fighting tears. I had to leave Neal to pick Kj up. Thankfully I didn't have to answer any more questions. By the way, I don't think the lady was rude to move on. If she had stayed I would have done some real crying and no one needs to see that.

One thing I've learned about the general public recently is many don't understand the grief in a miscarriage nor infertility. Three days before we learned our babies had died a friend of mine went into the hospital for emergency surgery. She thought the fertility treatments didn't work, but it turned out she had an ectopic pregnancy. Some friends of hers are remodeling their house and moved in with her (after her ectopic) while the work is being done. She said the lady was planning a baby shower and kept bring home baby items and showing them to her. The guest expected her to "ooh" and "ahhh" each items not seeming to consider it was hard for her to look at the stuff. The guest was even put off that she wouldn't come to the baby shower. When asked why she finally told her she had just lost her first child. The husband asked why she was down and she reminded him she just lost her baby. He said, "Oh. I guess those things happen." Seriously, some people just don't get it. A friend of mine found out she was pregnant and instead of coming to me (call, email, text) and letting me know she publicly posted it. In her post she was quick to be defensive on people taking up issue with her being pregnant again. I know this may sound selfish on my part, but I honestly feel when someone you're close to doesn't come to you first even knowing you've dealt with infertility and/or a miscarriage, they are both selfish and thoughtless. I'm sure she doesn't see it as not caring about me enough to mention it; however that's how I perceive it.  It comes across to me as her being so selfish and self centered that she just wanted people to jump for joy over her news.  When I learned a friend had a miscarriage right after I found we were having twins, I quickly sent her a message.  I didn't want to add to her blow by me casually announcing I wasn't just pregnant, but having two babies.  So for those wondering how to deal with telling a friend whose dealing with infertility or a miscarriage that you're pregnant don't skip sharing the news with her and don't expect her to jump for joy over your news.  Does it mean she isn't happy for you?  Probably not.  It just means she has to allow the news to soak in.  She must process your news and decide how it makes her feel.  Should this really be you're problem?  If you're her true friend, you care more about her then a good phone conversation, time spent together at the mall or wherever, you care about HER.  Sure you could be selfish and say that goes both ways that if she cares about you she will be happy for you no matter how she learns, but I strongly disagree.  Your mole hill might just be her mountain.  Not to mention if you spent less time on your mole hill we wouldn't be talking about this mountain. ;-)

By the way, I do better if you send an email so I can deal with it privately rather then having you there hanging on my every word and watching my reaction.  There have been some people Neal and I both wanted to throw stuff at (didn't do it) when we learned they were pregnant.

I pulled up the lyrics to Casting Crowns' Praise You In This Storm.  Goodness they are right on.  The red is my thoughts...

Praise You in This Storm
words by Mark Hall/music by Mark Hall and Bernie Herms

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day. This is precisely how I felt.  Of course He wouldn't allow the babies to die.  He would show Himself big and a miracle would happen.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away. When the storm was raging I kept thinking of all the people who curse God.  Who are mad at God for allowing things to happen.  I can't be mad.  It's wrong to be mad.  It's wrong to think God doesn't have a different plan for our lives then I expected.

Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand It sure has gotten a lot fuller over the past couple months.
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm I will admit it's extremely hard to understand the "why" of it all.  I go back to my first statement of fully expecting God to step in.  Now it's like a blender in my head where prayer and trusting God is concerned.  I know I'm supposed to trust Him, yet part of me questions if it really matters if I pray about something because He's already decided the outcome.

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on One day I sent mom a text saying I was at the end of my rope.  The coping can be a challenge.
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you" The day before my D&C I was speaking with a nurse in anesthesia.  I told her the one thing throughout the pregnancy and especially when I learned it was twins, that bothered me was knowing something that has been on my heart since I was a teenager would never come to be.  I forget what she said exactly, but she was telling me God knows and still wants to fulfill that.
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

Chorus

I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
When it comes to prophecy, I don't normally have any spoken over me where children are concerned.  However, when leaving England my pastor's wife, Lisa, did just that.  God has been reminding me of what He said through her.  It's actually the very thing I struggled with while pregnant and during my frozen embryo transfer (FET) in England.  I knew if we had another child or two the door would be closed.  Lisa said she saw us with a  multicultural home.  She said she thinks we were running an orphanage.  I told her I've always wanted to be a foster parent.  Over the past 6-12 months I've been thinking about the multicultural part.  Sure it's nice for your kids, no matter how they came to be yours, to all look like you so no one questions anything, but I don't care.

Heaven Born

I know they are hard to see, but remember they were only 6 weeks 2 days old here.  It was VERY hard for the technician to get them in the same shot.  Baby B (the bottom one) as you can tell by how faint it is was barely in the shot.

Last week at eight weeks gestation our two babies were Heaven born. I really wish God could text, email, call me or simply send an angel (no you're not an angel!) to tell me why I was allowed to get pregnant, but only have my babies with me for a season. I'm not mad at Him for taking them I just wish I knew the purpose. What was I supposed to learn in the eight short weeks of their lives? What were we supposed to learn? I always thought that in the end God would do the "impossible" and we would have two miracle babies. How in the world could it turn out any other way? I hoped and prayed God wouldn't have me join the ranks of those who have lost pregnancies. It's a large club, but I really didn't want to join. Despite having done two previous IVFs and an FET that were all failures the emotional toll of those were different.

For anyone keeping track the missed due dates of all the babies who didn't manage to attach and hang on for nine months are July 28, 2008, February 25, 2009, and June 21, 2009. I know people with kids who were born right around the last two dates. It was hard to see their babies knowing I should have one that age. Now it's a little easier to focus on the date and not the year so I don't see my kids faces in every child born around their due dates.


My cousin once told me that some people love their babies when they first see them and others love them as soon as they know they're pregnant. She was the latter. I don't remember how far along she was when she lost her baby, but she didn't make it out of the first trimester. I think losing a pregnancy you really wanted is the same as losing a friend or loved one "to soon". You know how something means more when you take it away? It's the same when you're baby dies in utero. The more the doctors said something was going wrong the more I fell in love with the babies and wanted them.


Because I REALLY thought with everyone praying that God was going to show Himself BIG in the situation we moved on with life as though we would be bringing them both home. We decided to keep the multiple pregnancy to ourselves. We have a tester ultrasound image from six weeks that I wrote on. The plan was to send out a mass email to family and friends with the babies images. I had bought a little yellow going home outfit and the day I learned there were two I picked up a second one. For the long two weeks where I had weekly ultrasounds the little outfits laid on the back of a chair in our living room. They were our daily reminders of what we are fighting for. The day I learned they were deceased I returned the outfits along with some socks, clothes, diapers and toys we had already bought. I couldn't keep them around as simple reminders and everyone I know has bigger babies then me. Kaitlyn Joy was 5 lbs 5 oz at birth. She wore preemie clothes for the first 3-4 weeks and newborn size up to two months old. By one month she could wear some 0-3 month clothes. Anyway... When I learned I was pregnant with Kj I took a bear to Neal's work with a positive pregnancy test in the ribbon around it's neck. This time I bought two little bears and asked Neal if he would come to the BX. Kj and I were going to have lunch with him. Of course he was driving all over town and couldn't meet us. The same thing happened when I learned I was pregnant. *rolls eyes* I brought the bears home and Neal took FOREVER to get off work. I believe he came home, even after all my nagging, after 6 or 6:30. I sent Kj upstairs to play when he arrived. I told him I had something for him and handed him a little bear. I then grabbed the second one out of the cabinet and said I thought it would go well with the other one. It took a moment before he asked if I was serious. Even though the clothes are all gone we still have the bears. They are sitting on the living room. They're our little reminders of our two that were gone much to soon.


The doctors made me wait 9 agonizing days for a D&C. Although I had given up praying, hoping, and wishing for them to be alive, I knew it wasn't beyond God to breathe life back into them. On Tuesday, 9 weeks 1 day pregnant I had an ultrasound that confirmed God had taken them home for good. I had planned to ask for a better ultrasound photo of the babies because they haven't given me one since I was six weeks. However, it was obvious to me they didn't look the same as the week before. As one of the doctor's delicately put it, they were shrinking. I didn't get to see the doctor again today or I would have asked if they would part with one of the many photos they kept from my 7 & 8 week ultrasounds. I just wanted a better double picture.


Sometime between 7:30-8:30 am this morning, my babies were born sleeping. I was 9 weeks 4 days along. Although I managed to hold it together until I started typing this, the morning was hard. I had wished they would do the D&C sooner, but when it came right down to it and I was spending the last hour with my babies alone, waiting, my heart was breaking. I kept thinking how this was it. Dead or alive they were about to be gone from me for the rest of my lifetime on this earth. Parting with them was a bitter sweet. Of course the sweet is only that my physically body can heal.


Kaitlyn Joy told me last week that the babies are in Heaven with Daddy Billy. And that he is taking care of them. I would have to venture to guess it's really Pop Paw who is holding and cooing them right now. Probably trying to stick beans in their mouths and fighting the other mothers around to let him do it. Daddy Billy would be the one playing with the older kids. Heaven help him... For someone who was an only child and went on to have two kids of his own, who each had two kids; he has more great-grand kids then he probably knows what to do with. First there's my cousin's baby who would be three right now. Then there's all the embryos of mine who either didn't get a chance at entering my womb or did and didn't hang on. Neal and I have 25 kids waiting to meet us on the other side of the purly gates. Beat that Duggar's! Kaitlyn Joy might be an only child here on earth, but one day she will have more brothers and sisters around her then she ever dreamed.


While taking back the different outfits to Target, Kj told me, "Now that the two girls are in Heaven, I want two brothers; no three!" If you knew the on going: Kj "I want girl babies not boy babies!" Us, "They might be boys. We don't get to chose, God already has." Kj, "What did he choose? He chose girl babies!" that was going on around here you would find her statement hilarious.

Clinical notes...

They waited so long to do the D&C that the babies had started to shrink.  An eight week embryo is TINY as it is.  The goal was/is to send the "tissues" off to see if they can grow a portion enough to do a chromosomal test.  In testing them they could find out if anything was wrong with them or if it was just "one of those things".   I requested to know the genders.  The doctors might have thought I was nuts, but if all I get with them is a little over 9.5 weeks (-2 weeks you aren't really pregnant) then I want to know as much about them as I can.  They gave me little hope of learning anything because of the shrinkage.  Although the doctors didn't talk to me today after the D&C (grrrr) I read the report and they were able to take each baby separately (excellent) and there was moderate tissue collected.  So perhaps I'm getting my hope back.  I asked God if he was going to take them early to please at least leave enough tissue for me to get some answers.  It was either that or He needs to send me a text message.

Personal notes...

I'm still not up to talking to most family and friends.  If I don't respond to your texts, voice mails, private messages on FB and emails that's because whenever I received it and really up to this point, I'm just not up to it.  There are EXTREMELY few I ever talk with so please don't take it personal.  Actually only three people have I been talking to on the phone and even with them I have to keep it short at times.  One of my grandmother's was in the hospital when everything went down so her and I have briefly spoken off and on.  My only girl cousin on that side of the family is the one who had the miscarriage so Mama Peggy has actually been awesome about it.  She won't talk long and NEVER brings it up.  Because of this I feel "safe" talking with her.  The only other two people are Neal and Mom.  Yes, I spoke with a friend a couple days ago, but unknowing to her it was a real challenge for me.  I also talked with my brother today and honestly it was a challenge too.  Neither brought up our situation.  I think my biggest issue can be when the other person via text, private message or email is just shooting the bull on random stuff that is only mildly important to them, I keep thinking "I just lost my babies do I really care you waxed your car?  No..."  It just feels meaningless to me.  A friend once said, you get through a miscarriage (or death of a child) not over it.  Please be patient as I learn how to walk this hard road.  Also, all the details beyond what I put on here are not up for discussion.  Do not call Neal because you want clarification or are digging for more info.  I would appreciate it if no one called asking either one of us about it.

One last note, I appreciate everyone who wished me a Happy Birthday Sunday, but were considerate enough not to call.  I had turned my ringer off on my phone because I was so afraid people would call me and like I stated above, I'm just not up to talking.  So thanks for all the well wishes on FB, emails, and cards.

Miscarriage Prayer

A friend shared this with me.  It asks the very question I've been asking.  Why?


Why, my Lord—dare I ask why? My baby will not hear the whisper of the wind or see the beauty of its parents’ face—it will not see the beauty of Your creation or the flame of a sunrise. Why, my Lord?

“Why, My child—do you ask ‘why’? Well, I will tell you why.

You see, the child lives. Instead of the wind he hears the sound of angels singing before My throne. Instead of the beauty that passes he sees everlasting Beauty—he sees My face. He was created and lived a short time so the image of his parents imprinted on his face may stand before Me as their personal intercessor. He knows secrets of heaven unknown to men on earth. He laughs with a special joy that only the innocent possess. My ways are not the ways of man. I create for My Kingdom and each creature fills a place in that Kingdom that could not be filled by another. He was created for My joy and his parents’ merits. He has never seen pain or sin. He has never felt hunger or pain. I breathed a soul into a seed, made it grow and called it forth.”

I am humbled before you, my Lord, for questioning Your wisdom, goodness, and love. I speak as a fool—forgive me. I acknowledge Your sovereign rights over life and death. I thank You for the life that began for so short a time to enjoy so long an Eternity. -- Mother M. Angelica