Baby Steps

You hope you're moving on, but it just takes one question to push you right back to the moment. Some people wonder why you won't tell them everything while you're going through it. They spin it as their prayers will be more effective or better focused if they are fully in the know. The good thing is God is more fully in the know then any of us so it doesn't matter if the majority of our world is in the dark; God knows. If he cares when a sparrow falls he cares about me and my world. The bad thing about other people being in the know when something goes wrong is: a) they want to ask a lot of questions many that aren't the most appropriate, and b) you must tell them the bad news. People don't understand it's hard enough to live it without having to retell it over and over again. I haven't been to church since my babies died. Emotionally, I just didn't feel I could handle it. People ask questions, they say things and well... I wasn't ready to face it. There's only one lady at church I expected to ask me about it. I wanted to catch her and fill her in, but didn't get the chance before the service. When we were standing in line to get Kaitlyn Joy from her class the lady approached me all smiles. She wanted to know how things were. She knew the pregnancy was rocky. I shook my head no. She said, "Oh, no" then quickly moved down the hallway. Instantly I was fighting tears. I had to leave Neal to pick Kj up. Thankfully I didn't have to answer any more questions. By the way, I don't think the lady was rude to move on. If she had stayed I would have done some real crying and no one needs to see that.

One thing I've learned about the general public recently is many don't understand the grief in a miscarriage nor infertility. Three days before we learned our babies had died a friend of mine went into the hospital for emergency surgery. She thought the fertility treatments didn't work, but it turned out she had an ectopic pregnancy. Some friends of hers are remodeling their house and moved in with her (after her ectopic) while the work is being done. She said the lady was planning a baby shower and kept bring home baby items and showing them to her. The guest expected her to "ooh" and "ahhh" each items not seeming to consider it was hard for her to look at the stuff. The guest was even put off that she wouldn't come to the baby shower. When asked why she finally told her she had just lost her first child. The husband asked why she was down and she reminded him she just lost her baby. He said, "Oh. I guess those things happen." Seriously, some people just don't get it. A friend of mine found out she was pregnant and instead of coming to me (call, email, text) and letting me know she publicly posted it. In her post she was quick to be defensive on people taking up issue with her being pregnant again. I know this may sound selfish on my part, but I honestly feel when someone you're close to doesn't come to you first even knowing you've dealt with infertility and/or a miscarriage, they are both selfish and thoughtless. I'm sure she doesn't see it as not caring about me enough to mention it; however that's how I perceive it.  It comes across to me as her being so selfish and self centered that she just wanted people to jump for joy over her news.  When I learned a friend had a miscarriage right after I found we were having twins, I quickly sent her a message.  I didn't want to add to her blow by me casually announcing I wasn't just pregnant, but having two babies.  So for those wondering how to deal with telling a friend whose dealing with infertility or a miscarriage that you're pregnant don't skip sharing the news with her and don't expect her to jump for joy over your news.  Does it mean she isn't happy for you?  Probably not.  It just means she has to allow the news to soak in.  She must process your news and decide how it makes her feel.  Should this really be you're problem?  If you're her true friend, you care more about her then a good phone conversation, time spent together at the mall or wherever, you care about HER.  Sure you could be selfish and say that goes both ways that if she cares about you she will be happy for you no matter how she learns, but I strongly disagree.  Your mole hill might just be her mountain.  Not to mention if you spent less time on your mole hill we wouldn't be talking about this mountain. ;-)

By the way, I do better if you send an email so I can deal with it privately rather then having you there hanging on my every word and watching my reaction.  There have been some people Neal and I both wanted to throw stuff at (didn't do it) when we learned they were pregnant.

I pulled up the lyrics to Casting Crowns' Praise You In This Storm.  Goodness they are right on.  The red is my thoughts...

Praise You in This Storm
words by Mark Hall/music by Mark Hall and Bernie Herms

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day. This is precisely how I felt.  Of course He wouldn't allow the babies to die.  He would show Himself big and a miracle would happen.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away. When the storm was raging I kept thinking of all the people who curse God.  Who are mad at God for allowing things to happen.  I can't be mad.  It's wrong to be mad.  It's wrong to think God doesn't have a different plan for our lives then I expected.

Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand It sure has gotten a lot fuller over the past couple months.
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm I will admit it's extremely hard to understand the "why" of it all.  I go back to my first statement of fully expecting God to step in.  Now it's like a blender in my head where prayer and trusting God is concerned.  I know I'm supposed to trust Him, yet part of me questions if it really matters if I pray about something because He's already decided the outcome.

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on One day I sent mom a text saying I was at the end of my rope.  The coping can be a challenge.
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you" The day before my D&C I was speaking with a nurse in anesthesia.  I told her the one thing throughout the pregnancy and especially when I learned it was twins, that bothered me was knowing something that has been on my heart since I was a teenager would never come to be.  I forget what she said exactly, but she was telling me God knows and still wants to fulfill that.
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

Chorus

I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
When it comes to prophecy, I don't normally have any spoken over me where children are concerned.  However, when leaving England my pastor's wife, Lisa, did just that.  God has been reminding me of what He said through her.  It's actually the very thing I struggled with while pregnant and during my frozen embryo transfer (FET) in England.  I knew if we had another child or two the door would be closed.  Lisa said she saw us with a  multicultural home.  She said she thinks we were running an orphanage.  I told her I've always wanted to be a foster parent.  Over the past 6-12 months I've been thinking about the multicultural part.  Sure it's nice for your kids, no matter how they came to be yours, to all look like you so no one questions anything, but I don't care.

This Too Shall Pass

You know sometimes you don't feel like praising God when things are going wrong.  Sure it's easy when your life is peaches and cream, but even Jesus didn't have everything run smoothly for him 24/7 while he was on this earth.  I love Casting Crowns song Praise You In The Storm.  It's an excellent reminder to not crawl in a hole when you feel like you're on a ship about to go down.  I have to give equal props to some of Jeremy Camp's songs.  He knows what it's like to walk through the muck and claw your way out the other side.  When he was 23 he went on the road only to learn his former girlfriend (21) was diagnosed with cervical cancer.  He rushed home, married her, then told her goodbye three months later.  I Still Believe was the first song he wrote after losing her.  He remarried a few years later.  When his wife was three months pregnant with their third child she went in for an ultrasound only to learn the baby had passed a week earlier.

My half naked child just ran up the stairs with her open cheese stick.  She informed me she didn't want to wear her pants anymore.  It's interesting to me that she's fine going all day in her panties, but knows she shouldn't be completely naked.  For the record I don't let her run around in panties.  I do find her that way sometimes.

I always hesitate when I see comments that need approval.  I've had people leave nasty ones in the past when I talk about trying to get pregnant.  Sure those who post might know what it's like to not get pregnant, but for some reason something just doesn't click in their heads that just because someone has one child, they might want another.  They don't know what it's like to see success the first time then three failures in a row.  Actually fertile people struggle with this understanding too.  When I thought of my cousin a little bit ago and how she lost her baby - one she thought she could never conceive - early on, I remembered her almost sister-in-law telling me that she just needed to get over it.  No matter what I said the almost SIL just couldn't understand what it's like to deal with infertility, have success which is then followed by a loss.  I'll be honest, when the conversation happened and earlier when I remembered it my first thoughts were "I wish you many losses".  Yep, I thought it.  I probably should be ashamed, but heartless people don't seem to learn without walking in your shoes.  I was talking to an infertile friend of mine about pregnancy a while back.  We were discussion how it doesn't seem right that after our great fight to get pregnant, not to mention the financial, emotional, and physical toll it takes on us, that some still miscarry early, birth sleeping babies or their child passes shortly after birth.  We both agreed we would rather the treatment not work then to get a positive only to lose the baby.  Now hopefully God has a 10th inning planned here because otherwise it does seem cruel to let me get this far then take it away.  Okay, I don't really believe God does things to us.  I've read Job.  God doesn't do it, but he allows it.  I sure hope He puts His foot down this time and we don't end up with empty arms come October.

"Even when I don't see, I still believe."  ~ Jeremy Camp