Friday, April 1, 2011

Heaven Born

I know they are hard to see, but remember they were only 6 weeks 2 days old here.  It was VERY hard for the technician to get them in the same shot.  Baby B (the bottom one) as you can tell by how faint it is was barely in the shot.

Last week at eight weeks gestation our two babies were Heaven born. I really wish God could text, email, call me or simply send an angel (no you're not an angel!) to tell me why I was allowed to get pregnant, but only have my babies with me for a season. I'm not mad at Him for taking them I just wish I knew the purpose. What was I supposed to learn in the eight short weeks of their lives? What were we supposed to learn? I always thought that in the end God would do the "impossible" and we would have two miracle babies. How in the world could it turn out any other way? I hoped and prayed God wouldn't have me join the ranks of those who have lost pregnancies. It's a large club, but I really didn't want to join. Despite having done two previous IVFs and an FET that were all failures the emotional toll of those were different.

For anyone keeping track the missed due dates of all the babies who didn't manage to attach and hang on for nine months are July 28, 2008, February 25, 2009, and June 21, 2009. I know people with kids who were born right around the last two dates. It was hard to see their babies knowing I should have one that age. Now it's a little easier to focus on the date and not the year so I don't see my kids faces in every child born around their due dates.

My cousin once told me that some people love their babies when they first see them and others love them as soon as they know they're pregnant. She was the latter. I don't remember how far along she was when she lost her baby, but she didn't make it out of the first trimester. I think losing a pregnancy you really wanted is the same as losing a friend or loved one "to soon". You know how something means more when you take it away? It's the same when you're baby dies in utero. The more the doctors said something was going wrong the more I fell in love with the babies and wanted them.

Because I REALLY thought with everyone praying that God was going to show Himself BIG in the situation we moved on with life as though we would be bringing them both home. We decided to keep the multiple pregnancy to ourselves. We have a tester ultrasound image from six weeks that I wrote on. The plan was to send out a mass email to family and friends with the babies images. I had bought a little yellow going home outfit and the day I learned there were two I picked up a second one. For the long two weeks where I had weekly ultrasounds the little outfits laid on the back of a chair in our living room. They were our daily reminders of what we are fighting for. The day I learned they were deceased I returned the outfits along with some socks, clothes, diapers and toys we had already bought. I couldn't keep them around as simple reminders and everyone I know has bigger babies then me. Kaitlyn Joy was 5 lbs 5 oz at birth. She wore preemie clothes for the first 3-4 weeks and newborn size up to two months old. By one month she could wear some 0-3 month clothes. Anyway... When I learned I was pregnant with Kj I took a bear to Neal's work with a positive pregnancy test in the ribbon around it's neck. This time I bought two little bears and asked Neal if he would come to the BX. Kj and I were going to have lunch with him. Of course he was driving all over town and couldn't meet us. The same thing happened when I learned I was pregnant. *rolls eyes* I brought the bears home and Neal took FOREVER to get off work. I believe he came home, even after all my nagging, after 6 or 6:30. I sent Kj upstairs to play when he arrived. I told him I had something for him and handed him a little bear. I then grabbed the second one out of the cabinet and said I thought it would go well with the other one. It took a moment before he asked if I was serious. Even though the clothes are all gone we still have the bears. They are sitting on the living room. They're our little reminders of our two that were gone much to soon.

The doctors made me wait 9 agonizing days for a D&C. Although I had given up praying, hoping, and wishing for them to be alive, I knew it wasn't beyond God to breathe life back into them. On Tuesday, 9 weeks 1 day pregnant I had an ultrasound that confirmed God had taken them home for good. I had planned to ask for a better ultrasound photo of the babies because they haven't given me one since I was six weeks. However, it was obvious to me they didn't look the same as the week before. As one of the doctor's delicately put it, they were shrinking. I didn't get to see the doctor again today or I would have asked if they would part with one of the many photos they kept from my 7 & 8 week ultrasounds. I just wanted a better double picture.

Sometime between 7:30-8:30 am this morning, my babies were born sleeping. I was 9 weeks 4 days along. Although I managed to hold it together until I started typing this, the morning was hard. I had wished they would do the D&C sooner, but when it came right down to it and I was spending the last hour with my babies alone, waiting, my heart was breaking. I kept thinking how this was it. Dead or alive they were about to be gone from me for the rest of my lifetime on this earth. Parting with them was a bitter sweet. Of course the sweet is only that my physically body can heal.

Kaitlyn Joy told me last week that the babies are in Heaven with Daddy Billy. And that he is taking care of them. I would have to venture to guess it's really Pop Paw who is holding and cooing them right now. Probably trying to stick beans in their mouths and fighting the other mothers around to let him do it. Daddy Billy would be the one playing with the older kids. Heaven help him... For someone who was an only child and went on to have two kids of his own, who each had two kids; he has more great-grand kids then he probably knows what to do with. First there's my cousin's baby who would be three right now. Then there's all the embryos of mine who either didn't get a chance at entering my womb or did and didn't hang on. Neal and I have 25 kids waiting to meet us on the other side of the purly gates. Beat that Duggar's! Kaitlyn Joy might be an only child here on earth, but one day she will have more brothers and sisters around her then she ever dreamed.

While taking back the different outfits to Target, Kj told me, "Now that the two girls are in Heaven, I want two brothers; no three!" If you knew the on going: Kj "I want girl babies not boy babies!" Us, "They might be boys. We don't get to chose, God already has." Kj, "What did he choose? He chose girl babies!" that was going on around here you would find her statement hilarious.

Clinical notes...

They waited so long to do the D&C that the babies had started to shrink.  An eight week embryo is TINY as it is.  The goal was/is to send the "tissues" off to see if they can grow a portion enough to do a chromosomal test.  In testing them they could find out if anything was wrong with them or if it was just "one of those things".   I requested to know the genders.  The doctors might have thought I was nuts, but if all I get with them is a little over 9.5 weeks (-2 weeks you aren't really pregnant) then I want to know as much about them as I can.  They gave me little hope of learning anything because of the shrinkage.  Although the doctors didn't talk to me today after the D&C (grrrr) I read the report and they were able to take each baby separately (excellent) and there was moderate tissue collected.  So perhaps I'm getting my hope back.  I asked God if he was going to take them early to please at least leave enough tissue for me to get some answers.  It was either that or He needs to send me a text message.

Personal notes...

I'm still not up to talking to most family and friends.  If I don't respond to your texts, voice mails, private messages on FB and emails that's because whenever I received it and really up to this point, I'm just not up to it.  There are EXTREMELY few I ever talk with so please don't take it personal.  Actually only three people have I been talking to on the phone and even with them I have to keep it short at times.  One of my grandmother's was in the hospital when everything went down so her and I have briefly spoken off and on.  My only girl cousin on that side of the family is the one who had the miscarriage so Mama Peggy has actually been awesome about it.  She won't talk long and NEVER brings it up.  Because of this I feel "safe" talking with her.  The only other two people are Neal and Mom.  Yes, I spoke with a friend a couple days ago, but unknowing to her it was a real challenge for me.  I also talked with my brother today and honestly it was a challenge too.  Neither brought up our situation.  I think my biggest issue can be when the other person via text, private message or email is just shooting the bull on random stuff that is only mildly important to them, I keep thinking "I just lost my babies do I really care you waxed your car?  No..."  It just feels meaningless to me.  A friend once said, you get through a miscarriage (or death of a child) not over it.  Please be patient as I learn how to walk this hard road.  Also, all the details beyond what I put on here are not up for discussion.  Do not call Neal because you want clarification or are digging for more info.  I would appreciate it if no one called asking either one of us about it.

One last note, I appreciate everyone who wished me a Happy Birthday Sunday, but were considerate enough not to call.  I had turned my ringer off on my phone because I was so afraid people would call me and like I stated above, I'm just not up to talking.  So thanks for all the well wishes on FB, emails, and cards.

1 comment:

Hilary said...

Praying honey!!!!