1 Year Later

So what do I call this?  Their birthday?  Today marks one year since the twins were permanently removed from our lives.  It seemed so wrong for my D&C to land on April 1st.  What a joke right?  When I woke up from the anesthesia I asked a nurse if they by any chance found a third baby in their.  I thought I was being funny, but I'm sure in my VERY sleepy state that I came across serious.  Obviously not serious enough seeing how she didn't get me any answers nor did ANYONE in the medical field explain ANYTHING to me that day.  The doctor went out and talked with Neal, but I never saw her after the surgery.  I had questions too.  Had they lived and arrived early like their big sister, they would be about six months old now.

A friend asked recently if I was having a hard day over the loss of the babies.  I told her it was more of a hard three months; it started in January which was a year from the beginning of the IVF.  Then February rolled around marking the beginning of life for several more of our children.  Unfortunately only two made it back into my womb.  The others weren't strong enough to survive the freeze so they passed away early.  Ugh... then March came.  March was a hard month.  We spent the whole month on our face before God begging for the health of our babies, speaking life into them, then saying goodbye to one only to lose the second a week later.  The week of my birthday is when we found out the babies were gone.  Isn't that just a happy time?  Who wants to spend their birthday knowing the babies they still carry are dead?  We had to wait nine agonizing days for the D&C.  And then it was all over.

Now what God's intentions were for our two survivors is beyond me.  Why did He allow me to get pregnant only to lose them?  Why did Andrew have Trisomy 13, 14, and 15?  Why did Sarah have to die when she appeared perfectly healthy?  Some of the doctor's words can really come back to bite at times.  One doctor told me, "You will come home with one baby in October, but I'm not sure if you will have two."  Little did he know God was going to take them both home just a matter of weeks later.

This week we watched the season finally of 19 Kids and Counting.  We cried with the Duggars while they grieved for Jubilee.  When Michelle was talking about her final days with her baby, I understood.  I felt the same way as she described.  Even thought the baby or babies are gone, while they are inside you that's it, that's your final time with them on earth.  The worst part about being the pre-op room was it being open to about 24 other patients as well as nurses and doctors.  The lady beside me was having a breast reduction and chatted on with the nurses on how happy she was to get it done.  How pointless huh?  Do you realize how dumb some of the things we worry about are?  How meaningless they are?  I laid there in the bed, spending my last hour with the twins, wanting to mourn their loss, all the while sucking it out because I was surrounded by people.  I have to give it to the nurses, they handled it as well as they could.  Just like with infertility, there's just some things you shouldn't say to people.  Not to mention it leaves many people simply not knowing what to say.  I remember being asked a couple times afterwards, "How are you doing?"  I was always taken back by the question.  My first response was, "HOW IN THE WORLD DO YOU THINK I'M DOING?!!! DID YOU READ MY CHART AND SEE MY DEAD BABIES WERE JUST REMOVED FROM MY BODY?!"  Of course I didn't say that.  I would tell them how my physical body was responding post surgery.

As for the Duggars I often wonder how they feel about the show still being called 19 Kids and Counting.  They've lost two now.  Michelle talked about needing closure.  One thing she said was needed to acknowledge Jubilee's life.  I'm not sure how they would change the kid line up in the opener, adding in Jubilee, without the mood turning dark.  I'm curious how Michelle and Jim Bob feel now when telling someone, "we have 19 kids".  I know for myself, when I say Kaitlyn Joy is an only child I feel like I'm lying.  Simply because they didn't take one breath on this earth didn't mean they never had life, yet most people would see it that way.

Sarah and Andrew, gone, but not forgotten.  You're very much missed.

Invisible Mothers

I would just like to say Happy Mother's Day to all the invisible mothers and those who deeply desire to be a mother, but have yet to achieve it.  Invisible mothers you know who you are.  You're the ones who were pregnant for a short time and lost your baby.  You might be the one who made it halfway or to the end of your pregnancy only to have your baby die.  Perhaps you actually got to birth your baby, held it in your arms then much to soon had to say goodbye.  There's one more area of the invisible mother that I think is every parents worst nightmare, it's the parent who loses their child either to illness, murder, or a tragic accident.  I'm not downplaying the loss of a child at any age or gestation, but I think invisible moms have it worse because the child they lost was their first.  It was the child that made them a mom.  Only people don't seem to think of them as moms because they don't have a child in their arms.  So to all these women I would like acknowledge your God given title of mother and say Happy Mother's Day!

For all the other women who were blessed to never face the loss of a child, Happy Mother's Day to you too.

Here For a Moment...

Sarah Elizabeth

Last week we learned Baby A was our little girl, Sarah Elizabeth.  Her chromosomal test showed she was perfectly fine.  To cut the doctor's long explanation short, she got a bug she couldn't beat.  How did she catch this bug?  Only God knows for sure.  Perhaps it was from the embryo transfer; I really don't know.  Neal and I had talked about names very little this time around.  While pregnant with Kaitlyn Joy we talked about the name Elizabeth; Neal really liked it.  We already had a girl and boy named picked out from when we were pregnant with Kj however the first names were to close.  I told Neal if we were having one of each we would have to change the girl name.  I really became fond of Sarah so Sarah Elizabeth she became.

Sarah - Princess

Elizabeth - God is my oath.

Andrew (my maiden name)

Baby B was our little boy, Andrew.  His middle name was to be my maiden name; for privacy I'm not going to post it.  Andrew was a special little guy.  For one he held out the longest before he finally had to give up the fight for his short life.  Andrew had multiple chromosomal abnormalities; one of which led to his passing in early pregnancy.  To give you a brief idea of his health, his most "livable" Trisomy was 13 and most babies die in utero.  Those who survive typically pass before their first birthday. I'm very thankful for Andrew's sake he didn't have to live long with all the complications he was facing.  If he had survived it would have been a constant fight to keep and sustain his life.

Andrew - Manly

I wish I had better photos of Sarah and Andrew, but after six weeks they stopped giving them to me.  I had three more ultrasounds after this one.  At seven weeks Sarah's fetal pole and heartbeat couldn't be found.  At eight weeks Andrew followed his sister.  At nine weeks I had an ultrasound to confirm God hadn't done a supernatural miracle.  We hoped and prayed despite the seven and eight week ultrasounds that at nine weeks at least one would have a heartbeat.  And to think, I thought it would be hard come October to only bring one baby home.  I'm curious when God takes them home early how old they are in Heaven?  Are they babies?  Does he have an embryonic nursery in Heaven?  However God works it, I know Sarah and Andrew are in good company with their 23 other brothers and sisters.