Baby Steps

You hope you're moving on, but it just takes one question to push you right back to the moment. Some people wonder why you won't tell them everything while you're going through it. They spin it as their prayers will be more effective or better focused if they are fully in the know. The good thing is God is more fully in the know then any of us so it doesn't matter if the majority of our world is in the dark; God knows. If he cares when a sparrow falls he cares about me and my world. The bad thing about other people being in the know when something goes wrong is: a) they want to ask a lot of questions many that aren't the most appropriate, and b) you must tell them the bad news. People don't understand it's hard enough to live it without having to retell it over and over again. I haven't been to church since my babies died. Emotionally, I just didn't feel I could handle it. People ask questions, they say things and well... I wasn't ready to face it. There's only one lady at church I expected to ask me about it. I wanted to catch her and fill her in, but didn't get the chance before the service. When we were standing in line to get Kaitlyn Joy from her class the lady approached me all smiles. She wanted to know how things were. She knew the pregnancy was rocky. I shook my head no. She said, "Oh, no" then quickly moved down the hallway. Instantly I was fighting tears. I had to leave Neal to pick Kj up. Thankfully I didn't have to answer any more questions. By the way, I don't think the lady was rude to move on. If she had stayed I would have done some real crying and no one needs to see that.

One thing I've learned about the general public recently is many don't understand the grief in a miscarriage nor infertility. Three days before we learned our babies had died a friend of mine went into the hospital for emergency surgery. She thought the fertility treatments didn't work, but it turned out she had an ectopic pregnancy. Some friends of hers are remodeling their house and moved in with her (after her ectopic) while the work is being done. She said the lady was planning a baby shower and kept bring home baby items and showing them to her. The guest expected her to "ooh" and "ahhh" each items not seeming to consider it was hard for her to look at the stuff. The guest was even put off that she wouldn't come to the baby shower. When asked why she finally told her she had just lost her first child. The husband asked why she was down and she reminded him she just lost her baby. He said, "Oh. I guess those things happen." Seriously, some people just don't get it. A friend of mine found out she was pregnant and instead of coming to me (call, email, text) and letting me know she publicly posted it. In her post she was quick to be defensive on people taking up issue with her being pregnant again. I know this may sound selfish on my part, but I honestly feel when someone you're close to doesn't come to you first even knowing you've dealt with infertility and/or a miscarriage, they are both selfish and thoughtless. I'm sure she doesn't see it as not caring about me enough to mention it; however that's how I perceive it.  It comes across to me as her being so selfish and self centered that she just wanted people to jump for joy over her news.  When I learned a friend had a miscarriage right after I found we were having twins, I quickly sent her a message.  I didn't want to add to her blow by me casually announcing I wasn't just pregnant, but having two babies.  So for those wondering how to deal with telling a friend whose dealing with infertility or a miscarriage that you're pregnant don't skip sharing the news with her and don't expect her to jump for joy over your news.  Does it mean she isn't happy for you?  Probably not.  It just means she has to allow the news to soak in.  She must process your news and decide how it makes her feel.  Should this really be you're problem?  If you're her true friend, you care more about her then a good phone conversation, time spent together at the mall or wherever, you care about HER.  Sure you could be selfish and say that goes both ways that if she cares about you she will be happy for you no matter how she learns, but I strongly disagree.  Your mole hill might just be her mountain.  Not to mention if you spent less time on your mole hill we wouldn't be talking about this mountain. ;-)

By the way, I do better if you send an email so I can deal with it privately rather then having you there hanging on my every word and watching my reaction.  There have been some people Neal and I both wanted to throw stuff at (didn't do it) when we learned they were pregnant.

I pulled up the lyrics to Casting Crowns' Praise You In This Storm.  Goodness they are right on.  The red is my thoughts...

Praise You in This Storm
words by Mark Hall/music by Mark Hall and Bernie Herms

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day. This is precisely how I felt.  Of course He wouldn't allow the babies to die.  He would show Himself big and a miracle would happen.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away. When the storm was raging I kept thinking of all the people who curse God.  Who are mad at God for allowing things to happen.  I can't be mad.  It's wrong to be mad.  It's wrong to think God doesn't have a different plan for our lives then I expected.

Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand It sure has gotten a lot fuller over the past couple months.
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm I will admit it's extremely hard to understand the "why" of it all.  I go back to my first statement of fully expecting God to step in.  Now it's like a blender in my head where prayer and trusting God is concerned.  I know I'm supposed to trust Him, yet part of me questions if it really matters if I pray about something because He's already decided the outcome.

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on One day I sent mom a text saying I was at the end of my rope.  The coping can be a challenge.
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you" The day before my D&C I was speaking with a nurse in anesthesia.  I told her the one thing throughout the pregnancy and especially when I learned it was twins, that bothered me was knowing something that has been on my heart since I was a teenager would never come to be.  I forget what she said exactly, but she was telling me God knows and still wants to fulfill that.
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

Chorus

I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
When it comes to prophecy, I don't normally have any spoken over me where children are concerned.  However, when leaving England my pastor's wife, Lisa, did just that.  God has been reminding me of what He said through her.  It's actually the very thing I struggled with while pregnant and during my frozen embryo transfer (FET) in England.  I knew if we had another child or two the door would be closed.  Lisa said she saw us with a  multicultural home.  She said she thinks we were running an orphanage.  I told her I've always wanted to be a foster parent.  Over the past 6-12 months I've been thinking about the multicultural part.  Sure it's nice for your kids, no matter how they came to be yours, to all look like you so no one questions anything, but I don't care.

Lost Dream

Kaitlyn Joy

Please pray for Jamie. She's a friend of mine that I've known for years, didn't talk with for a while, then reconnected with recently. I've never met Jamie in person. I got to know her around the time I got pregnant with Kaitlyn Joy and she her daughter. We went through the ups and downs, bleeding, cramping, and nausea of pregnancy together. During her pregnancy she was put into the hospital on bed rest. Before long, at 30 weeks, she delivered her little girl via c-section. She's a Halloween baby. Kaitlyn Joy arrived less then two months later three hours short of Christmas Day; she was 3 weeks and a day early. Five days later I brought Kaitlyn Joy home and two days after that her daughter came home from the hospital. When Jamie's daughter came home our girls were 2oz apart in weight. Our daughters were only home for a couple months when we started talking about trying again. Two rounds of IVF and one FET (frozen embryo transfer) later, not to mention a year and a half we called it quits.

Jamie's little girl

Infertility really takes a toll on your finances, health and sanity. You focus your whole life on getting pregnant. Sure Kaitlyn Joy was learning to walk, climb and talk all in the middle of it, but in the back of my mind, I'm missing the child who isn't present. It was hard to let that child go. It was important though. I needed to be fully present without looking to that next treatment.

Now fast forward two years. Jamie had tried the same drugs that worked before and moved on to IVF. It failed. She then went to her backup plan of a FET and today learned it failed too. She's done. My heart breaks for her. I know what it's like to have to pull the plug on your dream. I know what it's like to have your heart break multiple times a day for weeks when your arms are aching for the baby who isn't filling it.

Infertility is a cruel, cruel joke played on those of us who really want a baby. Are we selfish for wanting more then one baby? Let me ask you, are you selfish for having more then one just because you can? No it's not selfish to want another child; not for any of us.

Please pray for Jamie. She needs peace and comfort when her arms are aching for her lost dream.

Secondary Infertility

Recently I read an article about secondary infertility (SI). SI is when you conceive your first child without any problems, but must need medical intervention to conceive again. Many times people don't know why they can't conceive. They may try for a long time because they don't know there's a problem. The lady said because she conceived naturally the first time she finds people are harsh with her about infertility. She said she receives rude comments on how she has one and should be happy from those still struggling to have the one.

I was shocked on many levels while reading the article. I'm on or have been on both sides of her struggle. I've been one to have little sympathy for someone with SI. I figure if they did it naturally once they can do it again. Truthfully we have a VERY slim chance of getting pregnant each month meaning it could happen naturally, just not likely. Those with SI could have just hit the month perfectly early on, gotten pregnant, then realized they have a problem when trying for number two. In 10 years I could always fall pregnant like someone with SI did in their first months of ttc. Thursday I was talking with someone from my church who just learned she was pregnant. A said she can go a year without a period then bleed for 60 days. Because of her crazy cycle A went on birth control just to have more of a handle on her cycle. She said they had just gotten off the pill so they could start ttc and immediately got pregnant. If she was someone who was always on the pill she might not know she is dealing with fertility issues.

Speaking of A being pregnant, please keep her and her baby in your prayers. Although she has two little boys, A has been pregnant many times, but doesn't always make it past the first trimester. The Bible says all the days of our lives were written down before one came to pass. In the medical world day one is after one full day post conception. This little one is over seven weeks old. A needs peace during this time. She said she isn't telling about the pregnancy for fear of losing it any day. A doesn't need to live in fear so please pray for her.

The second way I relate to the article is ttc after having Kaitlyn. People really do have little sympathy for those still on the infertility journey. You know I don't think most people really want sympathy; just not to be treated, talked about, ect... like we're second class citizens because we are willing to keep marching down this rocky road.

Yesterday I was thinking of all the politicians who hold my fertility and thousands of others in their hands. More then likely it is either someone who has chosen not to have kids or has naturally had all the children they desired. It's someone who infertility hasn't graced their door step. They have no idea the emotional, physical, and financial struggle that infertility brings to a couple. I have thought about this often. Especially because in the UK I can legally on have two embryos put in at a time. If I had a choice I would put three in hoping one would "stick". In all my pondering I came back to the same thing I've heard a couple times and know others have heard many times and that is those with infertility shouldn't do more then pray and keep trying. There are those who believe fertility treatments are wrong. Of course the majority of those who believe that don't deal with infertility. I remember where I was the first time someone questioned the ethics behind fertility treatments. My thought was girl you haven't even started ttc. Knowing her other medical problems she is dealing with, infertility could easily be one of them. If she does decide to try she may be singing a different tune.

Anyway, I was going through this random dialogue in my head. To those who say fertility treatments - especially IVF - are wrong...

Look this baby in the eyes and tell her she was never supposed to be.

Tell her if you had your choice she never would have been.

Oh come on don't be like that. Yes, I know it's harder to say, "I wish you were never born when looking a baby in the eyes."

Is this easier? Go ahead and tell us we don't deserve children, but when you do make sure you back it with scripture not just your fertile minded opinion.

Now stop being a coward and trying to hide behind the Bible to justify Kaitlyn having never come to existence. If you read your Bible you would know your excuse doesn't hold water.

We could mix the ingredients together all we want - like the sperm and egg in an IVF - but we can't give it life. God is the giver of life. (Genesis 2:7) The doctor could inject as many sperm into eggs he wants, but only God can breathe the breath of life into it.

Psalms 139:13-16

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

All the days. God knew how Kaitlyn would be conceived. Life begins at conception... He planned it. He chose not to give life to some of the other embryos the doctor tried to create. In a couple weeks we will learn if He has chosen to allow us to keep some of those embryos. And next month we will learn if He has chosen for Kaitlyn to be an only child or a big sister.