To Many Babies

We need to slow down the baby train.  Between Neal and I we've had three cousins give birth in the last six and a half months and five more will have babies over the next 6-7 months.  This is getting excessive...

I was talking to a friend recently.  She wanted to know if or when she gets pregnant if she should tell me.  I have to wonder if this is a common thought people have.  It's not the first time baby news has been hidden from me.  Just in case anyone is wondering it's better to tell those of us your news up front.  Perhaps even in private before you announce it to the world.  We need to know you care enough about our feelings to allow us a few moments to process the news.  It doesn't mean we're jealous.  It doesn't mean we're not happy for you.  It just means we need a moment to digest the news.  If we smile, but don't just for joy, don't take it personal; we're still digesting.  Every time a family member or someone I'm close to announces they're pregnant, I have to check my feels.  You all may find this excessive and unnecessary, but it's part of the coping process.  I ask myself how I feel about the pregnancy and really go through my feelings.  It's like checking the moister in your flower pots.  Test each one to make sure it's good and you move on. Most of the time I come to that I'm okay with it.  I've found if I check my feelings first, they don't blindside me later. 

Recently I spoke with someone who was never able to have children of her own.  She said, "You can feel perfectly fine.  A year, three years go by and suddenly the feelings pop up."  I appreciate having her in my life.  She's one of the few people I see often who understands this crazy world of infertility.  One of the ladies who helped me Sunday shared her story.  I knew she had a third grader because he was in my Children's Church class last year.  Assumed she had adult children, but it turns out her son is the one and only.  She was told she would never have children and he's the happy little blessing they got nine years ago.

Invisible Mothers

I would just like to say Happy Mother's Day to all the invisible mothers and those who deeply desire to be a mother, but have yet to achieve it.  Invisible mothers you know who you are.  You're the ones who were pregnant for a short time and lost your baby.  You might be the one who made it halfway or to the end of your pregnancy only to have your baby die.  Perhaps you actually got to birth your baby, held it in your arms then much to soon had to say goodbye.  There's one more area of the invisible mother that I think is every parents worst nightmare, it's the parent who loses their child either to illness, murder, or a tragic accident.  I'm not downplaying the loss of a child at any age or gestation, but I think invisible moms have it worse because the child they lost was their first.  It was the child that made them a mom.  Only people don't seem to think of them as moms because they don't have a child in their arms.  So to all these women I would like acknowledge your God given title of mother and say Happy Mother's Day!

For all the other women who were blessed to never face the loss of a child, Happy Mother's Day to you too.

Baby Steps

You hope you're moving on, but it just takes one question to push you right back to the moment. Some people wonder why you won't tell them everything while you're going through it. They spin it as their prayers will be more effective or better focused if they are fully in the know. The good thing is God is more fully in the know then any of us so it doesn't matter if the majority of our world is in the dark; God knows. If he cares when a sparrow falls he cares about me and my world. The bad thing about other people being in the know when something goes wrong is: a) they want to ask a lot of questions many that aren't the most appropriate, and b) you must tell them the bad news. People don't understand it's hard enough to live it without having to retell it over and over again. I haven't been to church since my babies died. Emotionally, I just didn't feel I could handle it. People ask questions, they say things and well... I wasn't ready to face it. There's only one lady at church I expected to ask me about it. I wanted to catch her and fill her in, but didn't get the chance before the service. When we were standing in line to get Kaitlyn Joy from her class the lady approached me all smiles. She wanted to know how things were. She knew the pregnancy was rocky. I shook my head no. She said, "Oh, no" then quickly moved down the hallway. Instantly I was fighting tears. I had to leave Neal to pick Kj up. Thankfully I didn't have to answer any more questions. By the way, I don't think the lady was rude to move on. If she had stayed I would have done some real crying and no one needs to see that.

One thing I've learned about the general public recently is many don't understand the grief in a miscarriage nor infertility. Three days before we learned our babies had died a friend of mine went into the hospital for emergency surgery. She thought the fertility treatments didn't work, but it turned out she had an ectopic pregnancy. Some friends of hers are remodeling their house and moved in with her (after her ectopic) while the work is being done. She said the lady was planning a baby shower and kept bring home baby items and showing them to her. The guest expected her to "ooh" and "ahhh" each items not seeming to consider it was hard for her to look at the stuff. The guest was even put off that she wouldn't come to the baby shower. When asked why she finally told her she had just lost her first child. The husband asked why she was down and she reminded him she just lost her baby. He said, "Oh. I guess those things happen." Seriously, some people just don't get it. A friend of mine found out she was pregnant and instead of coming to me (call, email, text) and letting me know she publicly posted it. In her post she was quick to be defensive on people taking up issue with her being pregnant again. I know this may sound selfish on my part, but I honestly feel when someone you're close to doesn't come to you first even knowing you've dealt with infertility and/or a miscarriage, they are both selfish and thoughtless. I'm sure she doesn't see it as not caring about me enough to mention it; however that's how I perceive it.  It comes across to me as her being so selfish and self centered that she just wanted people to jump for joy over her news.  When I learned a friend had a miscarriage right after I found we were having twins, I quickly sent her a message.  I didn't want to add to her blow by me casually announcing I wasn't just pregnant, but having two babies.  So for those wondering how to deal with telling a friend whose dealing with infertility or a miscarriage that you're pregnant don't skip sharing the news with her and don't expect her to jump for joy over your news.  Does it mean she isn't happy for you?  Probably not.  It just means she has to allow the news to soak in.  She must process your news and decide how it makes her feel.  Should this really be you're problem?  If you're her true friend, you care more about her then a good phone conversation, time spent together at the mall or wherever, you care about HER.  Sure you could be selfish and say that goes both ways that if she cares about you she will be happy for you no matter how she learns, but I strongly disagree.  Your mole hill might just be her mountain.  Not to mention if you spent less time on your mole hill we wouldn't be talking about this mountain. ;-)

By the way, I do better if you send an email so I can deal with it privately rather then having you there hanging on my every word and watching my reaction.  There have been some people Neal and I both wanted to throw stuff at (didn't do it) when we learned they were pregnant.

I pulled up the lyrics to Casting Crowns' Praise You In This Storm.  Goodness they are right on.  The red is my thoughts...

Praise You in This Storm
words by Mark Hall/music by Mark Hall and Bernie Herms

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day. This is precisely how I felt.  Of course He wouldn't allow the babies to die.  He would show Himself big and a miracle would happen.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away. When the storm was raging I kept thinking of all the people who curse God.  Who are mad at God for allowing things to happen.  I can't be mad.  It's wrong to be mad.  It's wrong to think God doesn't have a different plan for our lives then I expected.

Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand It sure has gotten a lot fuller over the past couple months.
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm I will admit it's extremely hard to understand the "why" of it all.  I go back to my first statement of fully expecting God to step in.  Now it's like a blender in my head where prayer and trusting God is concerned.  I know I'm supposed to trust Him, yet part of me questions if it really matters if I pray about something because He's already decided the outcome.

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on One day I sent mom a text saying I was at the end of my rope.  The coping can be a challenge.
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you" The day before my D&C I was speaking with a nurse in anesthesia.  I told her the one thing throughout the pregnancy and especially when I learned it was twins, that bothered me was knowing something that has been on my heart since I was a teenager would never come to be.  I forget what she said exactly, but she was telling me God knows and still wants to fulfill that.
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

Chorus

I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
When it comes to prophecy, I don't normally have any spoken over me where children are concerned.  However, when leaving England my pastor's wife, Lisa, did just that.  God has been reminding me of what He said through her.  It's actually the very thing I struggled with while pregnant and during my frozen embryo transfer (FET) in England.  I knew if we had another child or two the door would be closed.  Lisa said she saw us with a  multicultural home.  She said she thinks we were running an orphanage.  I told her I've always wanted to be a foster parent.  Over the past 6-12 months I've been thinking about the multicultural part.  Sure it's nice for your kids, no matter how they came to be yours, to all look like you so no one questions anything, but I don't care.

Lost Dream

Kaitlyn Joy

Please pray for Jamie. She's a friend of mine that I've known for years, didn't talk with for a while, then reconnected with recently. I've never met Jamie in person. I got to know her around the time I got pregnant with Kaitlyn Joy and she her daughter. We went through the ups and downs, bleeding, cramping, and nausea of pregnancy together. During her pregnancy she was put into the hospital on bed rest. Before long, at 30 weeks, she delivered her little girl via c-section. She's a Halloween baby. Kaitlyn Joy arrived less then two months later three hours short of Christmas Day; she was 3 weeks and a day early. Five days later I brought Kaitlyn Joy home and two days after that her daughter came home from the hospital. When Jamie's daughter came home our girls were 2oz apart in weight. Our daughters were only home for a couple months when we started talking about trying again. Two rounds of IVF and one FET (frozen embryo transfer) later, not to mention a year and a half we called it quits.

Jamie's little girl

Infertility really takes a toll on your finances, health and sanity. You focus your whole life on getting pregnant. Sure Kaitlyn Joy was learning to walk, climb and talk all in the middle of it, but in the back of my mind, I'm missing the child who isn't present. It was hard to let that child go. It was important though. I needed to be fully present without looking to that next treatment.

Now fast forward two years. Jamie had tried the same drugs that worked before and moved on to IVF. It failed. She then went to her backup plan of a FET and today learned it failed too. She's done. My heart breaks for her. I know what it's like to have to pull the plug on your dream. I know what it's like to have your heart break multiple times a day for weeks when your arms are aching for the baby who isn't filling it.

Infertility is a cruel, cruel joke played on those of us who really want a baby. Are we selfish for wanting more then one baby? Let me ask you, are you selfish for having more then one just because you can? No it's not selfish to want another child; not for any of us.

Please pray for Jamie. She needs peace and comfort when her arms are aching for her lost dream.

I Hate Father's Day...

It's not just Father's Day that I hate, but Mother's Day too. Maybe hate is to strong of a word. I just wish there wasn't a day set apart to remind those dealing with infertility that their dream still hasn't come true. It's like throwing salt in an open, gaping wound. Think about it... You're sitting in church on Mother's Day. You've been struggling with infertility for a couple years. The children come out and do a cute song and dance for all the moms. The sermon is all about how great moms are. Then at some point they have all the moms stand up while everyone claps, children come out of the wood work with flowers in tow. The kids also present their mom with a craft they did in children's church. It's all touching. People cry. But no one seems to notice the tears of a couple ladies in the room as being out of the norm. They don't realize the tears are because their heart is being ripped open as they are reminded once again how empty their arms and womb are. Or maybe the ladies didn't even come to church on this... horrible day. We've most definitely skipped church on Mother's and Father's Day.

I've learned that having Kaitlyn Joy doesn't end the dread of Mother's Day. Now I get honored all the while knowing a childless woman around me could be hurting. She doesn't know that not only did we struggle to have Kj, but it's a fight we still must take on if we want more. You know infertility doesn't end simply because you have a child or two it just loses priority in your life or becomes your form of birth control. If she's smart she would have skipped church.

So Sunday, I went to church and cried during the songs. Neal wasn't there and we're to new in the church for anyone to know I wasn't crying because the message was so awesome, but it cut deep. They reminded me that yes we have the girl we wanted, but... is she the end of our story? Although I would be fine with a house of girls, I know Neal would like a son. Unlike 6 out of 7 of my peers I can't just spout out another child hoping for an opposite gender. Or simply spout out another child. For me to have a child it involves needles, bruising, more needles, swollen ovaries, dread of more needles, weight gain, privacy invaded when at all possible, eggs being taken, embryo growing in a petri dish, then the dreaded two week wait. During my last procedure I knew it had failed 2-3 days before I was supposed to go in for a blood test. I opted to skip the test. Why add insult to injury? The clinic called to remind me I need to come in. I told them I knew it was false and wasn't going to drive an hour for them to confirm it. The lady pleaded. The call ended with her telling me I needed to go to my doctor to confirm the procedure didn't work. Who in the world wants to do that?!! Sure please put in my file that yet ANOTHER treatment didn't work. When the lady called back a few days later to see what the results were I told her I wasn't pregnant. She assumed I went to my doctor or peed on a stick (POAS). Actually I believe she wrote it down as if I POAS. Whatever the case may have been if I did by some insane chance later find out I was pregnant from the procedure I wasn't going to call them. I know they want their records to be accurate, but demanding I take a test wasn't pleasant.

To finish off my ramblings I would just like to say, thank God we have survived another year of Mother's/Father's Day.

Infertility

Recently I spoke with a friend who wasn't ready to have kids when I was trying to get pregnant by doing my first IVF (which resulted in Kaitlyn). At the time she shared her thoughts on playing God and so forth. She was against me doing the IVF. Well, like I suspected my friend just shared that they are ready to have kids and can't. She doesn't want to do IVF, but it might not be because of her beliefs. There are certain health criteria you must meet in the UK for them to let you do IVF. She might not meet them.

Here's a little something I read recently. I'm not sure who wrote this, but I wanted to share it with you.

"Couples experiencing infertility often receive well-meaning but extremely insensitive "advice." We can all list the most popular ones: "Just relax and you'll get pregnant," or "Adopt and you'll get pregnant." Of the most painful from those who think they've got the goods on God's plan, "Maybe God never meant for you to have children." The sheer audacity of making a statement like that never fails to amaze me.
"These same people would never walk up to someone seeking treatment for cancer and say, "Maybe God never meant for you to live." However, because I am infertile, I'm supposed to get on with my life. It's hard to understand that people can not see infertility for what it is, a disease for which I have to seek treatment. What if Jonas Salk had said to the parents of polio victims, "Maybe God meant for thousands of our children to be cripples, live in an iron lung or die." What if he'd never tried to find a cure? Who could think for one minute that that was God's plan?
What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility? I think he meant for my husband and me to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.
No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let Him down.
Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known.
While I would never choose infertility, I can not deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when He handed me infertility. I already know."

Quick post about ~ Time

Time is the enemy to anyone dealing with infertility. A friend told me Friday morning they are done doing fertility treatments for the remainder of their time here in England. They are supposed to leave in May. For the kind of treatment they were going for the clinic just denied them. They've had two failed cycles so the clinic doesn't see a point in them going on. My heart breaks for them. If I were in their shoes I would feel like it's a nail in my coffin. I don't want to go into the details, but basically the clinic is fine if they want to try a different way however it would cost them to much. I'm amazed, but right now their plan is to try again if they go stateside. They have been trying about four years to get pregnant. I'm just thankful we had Kaitlyn or our clinic would have cut us off early too.

Please say a quick prayer for K & J. This setback could cost them a year and a half of waiting before they can actually go through another treatment.

Secondary Infertility

Recently I read an article about secondary infertility (SI). SI is when you conceive your first child without any problems, but must need medical intervention to conceive again. Many times people don't know why they can't conceive. They may try for a long time because they don't know there's a problem. The lady said because she conceived naturally the first time she finds people are harsh with her about infertility. She said she receives rude comments on how she has one and should be happy from those still struggling to have the one.

I was shocked on many levels while reading the article. I'm on or have been on both sides of her struggle. I've been one to have little sympathy for someone with SI. I figure if they did it naturally once they can do it again. Truthfully we have a VERY slim chance of getting pregnant each month meaning it could happen naturally, just not likely. Those with SI could have just hit the month perfectly early on, gotten pregnant, then realized they have a problem when trying for number two. In 10 years I could always fall pregnant like someone with SI did in their first months of ttc. Thursday I was talking with someone from my church who just learned she was pregnant. A said she can go a year without a period then bleed for 60 days. Because of her crazy cycle A went on birth control just to have more of a handle on her cycle. She said they had just gotten off the pill so they could start ttc and immediately got pregnant. If she was someone who was always on the pill she might not know she is dealing with fertility issues.

Speaking of A being pregnant, please keep her and her baby in your prayers. Although she has two little boys, A has been pregnant many times, but doesn't always make it past the first trimester. The Bible says all the days of our lives were written down before one came to pass. In the medical world day one is after one full day post conception. This little one is over seven weeks old. A needs peace during this time. She said she isn't telling about the pregnancy for fear of losing it any day. A doesn't need to live in fear so please pray for her.

The second way I relate to the article is ttc after having Kaitlyn. People really do have little sympathy for those still on the infertility journey. You know I don't think most people really want sympathy; just not to be treated, talked about, ect... like we're second class citizens because we are willing to keep marching down this rocky road.

Yesterday I was thinking of all the politicians who hold my fertility and thousands of others in their hands. More then likely it is either someone who has chosen not to have kids or has naturally had all the children they desired. It's someone who infertility hasn't graced their door step. They have no idea the emotional, physical, and financial struggle that infertility brings to a couple. I have thought about this often. Especially because in the UK I can legally on have two embryos put in at a time. If I had a choice I would put three in hoping one would "stick". In all my pondering I came back to the same thing I've heard a couple times and know others have heard many times and that is those with infertility shouldn't do more then pray and keep trying. There are those who believe fertility treatments are wrong. Of course the majority of those who believe that don't deal with infertility. I remember where I was the first time someone questioned the ethics behind fertility treatments. My thought was girl you haven't even started ttc. Knowing her other medical problems she is dealing with, infertility could easily be one of them. If she does decide to try she may be singing a different tune.

Anyway, I was going through this random dialogue in my head. To those who say fertility treatments - especially IVF - are wrong...

Look this baby in the eyes and tell her she was never supposed to be.

Tell her if you had your choice she never would have been.

Oh come on don't be like that. Yes, I know it's harder to say, "I wish you were never born when looking a baby in the eyes."

Is this easier? Go ahead and tell us we don't deserve children, but when you do make sure you back it with scripture not just your fertile minded opinion.

Now stop being a coward and trying to hide behind the Bible to justify Kaitlyn having never come to existence. If you read your Bible you would know your excuse doesn't hold water.

We could mix the ingredients together all we want - like the sperm and egg in an IVF - but we can't give it life. God is the giver of life. (Genesis 2:7) The doctor could inject as many sperm into eggs he wants, but only God can breathe the breath of life into it.

Psalms 139:13-16

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

All the days. God knew how Kaitlyn would be conceived. Life begins at conception... He planned it. He chose not to give life to some of the other embryos the doctor tried to create. In a couple weeks we will learn if He has chosen to allow us to keep some of those embryos. And next month we will learn if He has chosen for Kaitlyn to be an only child or a big sister.

BFN

We didn't get the answer we had hoped for. The whole IVF process was twice as long as usual, three months to be exact, and yet we walk away empty handed. We have one more shot before we leave the UK. We are looking to do an FET before October. I'm not looking forward to the additional cost that we were not counting on. We had hoped to pay off our car before leaving here, but now we will need +$3,000 for one more attempt to give Kaitlyn a sibling.

My IVF ~ never ending

I never did update on how things are going. My IVF was never canceled nor has it progressed. All the deadlines I was given have all been like dead grass in the wind. Every two weeks I go back into the clinic, they give me more drugs and say two more weeks. There is more to the cost of IVF then just the financial aspect. Currently I'm paying the most physically over the financial and even emotional side of treatment. Nine and a half weeks of drugs that give you menopausal symptoms is not fun. If they tell me two more weeks this Monday I'm going to push the issue. I'm done taking the drugs. The injections no longer faze me, but the side effects are pushing me over the edge. If I'm drop dead tired I would rather it be from pregnancy not drugs. What's frustrating is by the time it's all said and done, given they don't put me off again, I will have had many of the same pregnancy symptoms I had with Kaitlyn, for 12 weeks then Lord willing do it for real for another 13 weeks. I guess the bonus is once I confirm I'm pregnant four of those weeks will be behind me.
As of right now I don't care to ever do this again. I guess it's a good thing that we can't afford a fourth round.

Infertility Sucks!

The IVF cycle we were working on has come to a screeching halt. I'm both disappointed and frustrated with the delay. I know, I know "God is in control", blah, blah, blah... I can't tell you how many times I have heard such well meaning cliches. I think infertility is one of the few times when the old saying, "If you can't say something nice don't say anything at all" really shouldn't be used. I feel it should be, "Don't say anything at all not even something nice." I know that might sound crazy, but when dealing with infertility even the nice words cut like a knife. We know God has a plan. We know our children will arrive in His timing. But no matter what it is still hard to wrap our minds around the fact that a simple thing our bodies were made to do they don't. Even after we step out of the natural way to get pregnant and hand ourselves over to science it's still hard to accept when we walk away empty handed. The people who make me smile are those who say, "Man that sucks!" Okay maybe they don't really say that, but instead of trying to cheer me up they try to understand that there are some issue in the world you can't just walk through. They know you must fight your way over the mountain. They can see the climb leaves you bruised and bleeding; and they acknowledge it. I was reading a blog today of a mother who gave birth six weeks ago. She said hello and goodbye to her precious baby boy all within an hour. I can't begin to imagine the pain the family is still going through. She said at her last postpartum appointment a nurse asked if she was breastfeeding. She was so hurt the lady didn't even look in her file before entering her room. She looked her square in the face and said, "My baby is dead." I could feel the lady's frustration in the moment. People don't understand your situation and say something so innocent that cuts you to the core. One thing I read throughout her blog was the desire for people to cry with them; to acknowledge the fact she has four children even though only two are living. She wanted people in her church to stop avoiding the subject and not apologize for crying in front of her. She said she wants to know other people grieve with her and do care about the little boy she no longer has in her arms. Even though I don't understand what it's like to give birth to a baby then quickly say goodbye, I do know what it's like to have people act cheery or even avoid subjects like pregnant friends and family. I know they mean well, but their approach hurts like a dagger to the chest. Like the lady said, I want to know you grieve with us. I want to know you are real person with real emotions you can express.

Guess what?! Infertility sucks! It's not a state of mind it's a state of being. It's like having a disease that if you don't tell people may never know you have it, but there's no cure. Sure I can try IVF and hope it works, but IVF doesn't fix the problem it helps manage it. I've had one successful IVF and one failed. The failed cycle is my reminder that there isn't a quick fix to everything. I'm not saying we aren't grateful to have Kaitlyn because we are. We were blessed to get pregnant our first cycle. On average it takes three tries, but I know people who are on #7 and still hoping for their first baby. Neal and I had lunch with a couple Sunday and the guy declared he wanted eight kids. Eight! What a nice dream for someone dealing with infertility. I told him he better have a lot of money because that is going to be a lot of IVF cycles. Currently the couple have one cycle under their belt and walked away empty handed. He thinks "their" dream will be fulled enough if she has four from their next cycle. It figures a guy would want a whole litter. I should have told him to buy a dog if he wants four babies at once. In the UK you can only put two embryos back so for them to have four some embryo splitting would have to happen.

I don't know who the first person was who said infertility was caused by stress. It really bugs me fertile people have really bought the thought and try to pass it on. Guess what, Neal and I could relax ourselves into comas and it wouldn't make a difference. Like I read once stress doesn't cause infertility, infertility causes stress. At one point we thought about adoption which of course brought up the comments on how we would have a child of our own once we adopted. To the fertile world I would like to tell you only 5% of families go on to have their own child after adopting because of infertility. Adoption doesn't suddenly cause the sun and moon to align so we can get pregnant. Adoption is how God lines up parents and child so they make a family not another baby. Oh, and once we do have a baby our "pipes" are not lubed so we can do it naturally next time. Guess what!!! the problem that caused the infertility is still there. IVF is still our first and last option in parenting a biological child. I guess it's people who don't know our cause of infertility who assume it's a quick fix; we plan on letting them live in their ignorance and keep all the little details to ourselves.

Can you tell I'm frustrated? Today was one of those days you could say when it rains it pours. Kaitlyn was being a pain making me second guess trying for #2. Sadie knocked over the trash can three times today. We don't feed our dogs table food so it really infuriates me she would eat out of our can. Before I left the house at 10:15 this morning I was ready to spank someone and both Kaitlyn and Sadie were in my line of fire. Some how we made it out the door and to the clinic in time for my appointment. I wasn't at the clinic long when I learned the shocking news that the meds didn't work. I've been taking a drug for four weeks to suppress my system yet my body has been trucking on currently preparing to ovulate. I can't tell you how frustrating it is to know you have waisted four weeks for nothing. The drugs have worked the last two times so I don't know what the deal is this time. The nurse said I needed to stay on the drug until my old friend arrives again. Uhgg, that's a good three weeks away. I was switched to the injection form of the drug instead of a nasal spray and sent home. A doctor called a few hours later to say the cycle my need to be canceled. He gave me two weeks for my period to arrive or he would pull the plug. I don't get his drive, but he really wants me to go the two weeks using the injections. He is supposed to call me back tomorrow. I really think I will tell him I'm done with this cycle and that we can try again next month. The problem is you cannot be suppressed more then six weeks. Or rather they don't want you on the suppressive drug longer then six weeks. We can't afford to try and fail. This is our third and final IVF; I would like it to run as smoothly as possible to give us the best chance at success. There is as whole lot more to everything, but the main thing is like I said... my body isn't ready and won't be when my time limit runs out. Some times I wish we would have to worry about a little "Oops" happening.

Have I said lately that infertility sucks?

Once pregnant again I would like a shirt with this on the belly.

I would like one for Kaitlyn too.

They (http://ivfbabies.tripod.com/index.html) have the image as a free download on their site. I don't think many would get it, but I like the shirt that says "ICSI Pixie" too.To many people are in the closet about the problem. I wish other couples would talk more so the issue wouldn't be such a problem.