You're Super Duper Special

My friend Lisa was telling a story about a couple friends of hers.  A dad-to-be (D2B) asked a single guy (SG) if his pregnant wife's life was hanging in the balance who would he choose the wife or baby?  D2B said his wife, hands down.  He told SG they can always make another baby.  I'm not sure if SG ever answered his question or if he did, what Lisa said his response was.  She finally spoke up though telling our story and how I still think of the twins daily.  When she was in the middle of telling me the story I thought she was saying the SG asked the D2B the question.  I was shocked by his rudeness given that D2B's wife was far along in her pregnancy; that would be the worst pregnancy nightmare.  Okay, it's really right up there at the top with pregnancy loss and still birth.  Personally, I would continue the pregnancy.  God has a reason why he gave us the baby so who am I to say "I'm more important"?

God and pregnancy... that brings me to another thought.  People can be really down on fertility treatments.  They say we're playing God.  Well guess what folks...  God is the giver of life.  Doctors can set you up to "win" all they want, but they can't give the embryo life.  Scientist can mix all the ingredients together that we're all made of, but they can't breathe life into it.  Only God can create life.  Period.  I've heard and read people say that if you're going to play God and get pregnant with multiples that you need to finish playing God and reduce (aka abort one or more).  I would like to go back to God being the giver of life.  If you're pregnant with quintuplets, God knows.  If he only wants you to have twins (IMO) then he will "reduce" the number for you.  Now, I'm not condoning ladies who knowing put multiple embryos in their uterus.  Octomom makes the rest of us who must do fertility treatments look bad.  I figure if I put two embryos in and God really wants me to have four kids, He will split them.  It's happened before actually; not to me though.  After our embryo transfers in England I would tell Neal, "We could have twins or triplets or quadruplets".  Is it likely?  No, but it is possible and completely up to God.  I know of a family in Dallas that took Clomid to get pregnant (makes you ovulate).  It looked like they could possible have triplets if all the eggs fertilized, but they ended up with quads.  She had a set of identical twins in the bunch.

England or the UK rather is always changing their rules; they were when we were there anyway.  The year we arrived they made a law that a child from a sperm or egg donor could have their file opened at 18.  For the kids, I think this could be a good thing.  I'm sure there are many who wonder who they really came from, their family history and so forth.  But many of the donors aren't so happy about this.  Suddenly both egg and sperm donors dropped.  When we were getting ready to leave the law makers were talking about putting a small egg on the birth certificates if the child was conceived by donor eggs.  I never heard if they would do... something, if it was from donor sperm.  The reason behind this was parents not telling their kids the truth.  Personally, I felt this was the government overstepping their bounds.  I never heard if it went through, but I would wonder if more kids would be looking up their bio parents in 18 years if it did pass. 

Now where does Kaitlyn Joy fit into all this???  First off to many people know we did IVF to keep it from her.  I wouldn't want her finding out by someone else and thinking any differently about herself so we talk about it.  Why would I talk about it with a five year old?  I would rather her grow up knowing then have to tell her at 10, 15, 25...  We used to play the I loved you first game.  I would say, "I loved  you when you were born."  Kj, "I loved you when I was in your tummy."  Me, "I loved you when you were in a petri dish."  Which she usually comes back with, "I loved you when YOU were in a petri dish."  One day when talking about the whole petri dish thing I explained what it meant.  We've talked about this a handful of times now.  I told her that God breathes life into most people the old boring way; while in their mommy's tummy.  We talk about how that's okay and "normal". But then, there are some super, duper, special people, like herself, who the doctor puts all the ingredients together in a petri dish and then God breathes life into them.  Once God gives them life the doctor puts them back into their mommy's tummy where they grow.

On a completely side note, I'm no longer a fan of Tyler Perry.  Any affections for his movies and all the humor they carry were lost on me when he made a joke about IVF conception.  I was seriously done with him after hearing his joke in I believe it was Madea Goes to Jail.  Madea and her brother are bantering back and forth.  Her slur to him was saying he was conceived in a petri dish.  I'm cool with her calling him an old man, saying he's gassy, say he stinks or has hammer toes.  Pick on his bunions, non-working nose or some other thing that came on after birth.  No one can help how, where, when nor to whom they were conceived and it shouldn't be joked about.  I would be furious if anyone teased Kj because of how she was conceived.  She didn't choose it nor would she be here if we hadn't done IVF.

Lost Dream

Kaitlyn Joy

Please pray for Jamie. She's a friend of mine that I've known for years, didn't talk with for a while, then reconnected with recently. I've never met Jamie in person. I got to know her around the time I got pregnant with Kaitlyn Joy and she her daughter. We went through the ups and downs, bleeding, cramping, and nausea of pregnancy together. During her pregnancy she was put into the hospital on bed rest. Before long, at 30 weeks, she delivered her little girl via c-section. She's a Halloween baby. Kaitlyn Joy arrived less then two months later three hours short of Christmas Day; she was 3 weeks and a day early. Five days later I brought Kaitlyn Joy home and two days after that her daughter came home from the hospital. When Jamie's daughter came home our girls were 2oz apart in weight. Our daughters were only home for a couple months when we started talking about trying again. Two rounds of IVF and one FET (frozen embryo transfer) later, not to mention a year and a half we called it quits.

Jamie's little girl

Infertility really takes a toll on your finances, health and sanity. You focus your whole life on getting pregnant. Sure Kaitlyn Joy was learning to walk, climb and talk all in the middle of it, but in the back of my mind, I'm missing the child who isn't present. It was hard to let that child go. It was important though. I needed to be fully present without looking to that next treatment.

Now fast forward two years. Jamie had tried the same drugs that worked before and moved on to IVF. It failed. She then went to her backup plan of a FET and today learned it failed too. She's done. My heart breaks for her. I know what it's like to have to pull the plug on your dream. I know what it's like to have your heart break multiple times a day for weeks when your arms are aching for the baby who isn't filling it.

Infertility is a cruel, cruel joke played on those of us who really want a baby. Are we selfish for wanting more then one baby? Let me ask you, are you selfish for having more then one just because you can? No it's not selfish to want another child; not for any of us.

Please pray for Jamie. She needs peace and comfort when her arms are aching for her lost dream.

Infertility

Recently I spoke with a friend who wasn't ready to have kids when I was trying to get pregnant by doing my first IVF (which resulted in Kaitlyn). At the time she shared her thoughts on playing God and so forth. She was against me doing the IVF. Well, like I suspected my friend just shared that they are ready to have kids and can't. She doesn't want to do IVF, but it might not be because of her beliefs. There are certain health criteria you must meet in the UK for them to let you do IVF. She might not meet them.

Here's a little something I read recently. I'm not sure who wrote this, but I wanted to share it with you.

"Couples experiencing infertility often receive well-meaning but extremely insensitive "advice." We can all list the most popular ones: "Just relax and you'll get pregnant," or "Adopt and you'll get pregnant." Of the most painful from those who think they've got the goods on God's plan, "Maybe God never meant for you to have children." The sheer audacity of making a statement like that never fails to amaze me.
"These same people would never walk up to someone seeking treatment for cancer and say, "Maybe God never meant for you to live." However, because I am infertile, I'm supposed to get on with my life. It's hard to understand that people can not see infertility for what it is, a disease for which I have to seek treatment. What if Jonas Salk had said to the parents of polio victims, "Maybe God meant for thousands of our children to be cripples, live in an iron lung or die." What if he'd never tried to find a cure? Who could think for one minute that that was God's plan?
What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility? I think he meant for my husband and me to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.
No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let Him down.
Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known.
While I would never choose infertility, I can not deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when He handed me infertility. I already know."

Quick post about ~ Time

Time is the enemy to anyone dealing with infertility. A friend told me Friday morning they are done doing fertility treatments for the remainder of their time here in England. They are supposed to leave in May. For the kind of treatment they were going for the clinic just denied them. They've had two failed cycles so the clinic doesn't see a point in them going on. My heart breaks for them. If I were in their shoes I would feel like it's a nail in my coffin. I don't want to go into the details, but basically the clinic is fine if they want to try a different way however it would cost them to much. I'm amazed, but right now their plan is to try again if they go stateside. They have been trying about four years to get pregnant. I'm just thankful we had Kaitlyn or our clinic would have cut us off early too.

Please say a quick prayer for K & J. This setback could cost them a year and a half of waiting before they can actually go through another treatment.

Secondary Infertility

Recently I read an article about secondary infertility (SI). SI is when you conceive your first child without any problems, but must need medical intervention to conceive again. Many times people don't know why they can't conceive. They may try for a long time because they don't know there's a problem. The lady said because she conceived naturally the first time she finds people are harsh with her about infertility. She said she receives rude comments on how she has one and should be happy from those still struggling to have the one.

I was shocked on many levels while reading the article. I'm on or have been on both sides of her struggle. I've been one to have little sympathy for someone with SI. I figure if they did it naturally once they can do it again. Truthfully we have a VERY slim chance of getting pregnant each month meaning it could happen naturally, just not likely. Those with SI could have just hit the month perfectly early on, gotten pregnant, then realized they have a problem when trying for number two. In 10 years I could always fall pregnant like someone with SI did in their first months of ttc. Thursday I was talking with someone from my church who just learned she was pregnant. A said she can go a year without a period then bleed for 60 days. Because of her crazy cycle A went on birth control just to have more of a handle on her cycle. She said they had just gotten off the pill so they could start ttc and immediately got pregnant. If she was someone who was always on the pill she might not know she is dealing with fertility issues.

Speaking of A being pregnant, please keep her and her baby in your prayers. Although she has two little boys, A has been pregnant many times, but doesn't always make it past the first trimester. The Bible says all the days of our lives were written down before one came to pass. In the medical world day one is after one full day post conception. This little one is over seven weeks old. A needs peace during this time. She said she isn't telling about the pregnancy for fear of losing it any day. A doesn't need to live in fear so please pray for her.

The second way I relate to the article is ttc after having Kaitlyn. People really do have little sympathy for those still on the infertility journey. You know I don't think most people really want sympathy; just not to be treated, talked about, ect... like we're second class citizens because we are willing to keep marching down this rocky road.

Yesterday I was thinking of all the politicians who hold my fertility and thousands of others in their hands. More then likely it is either someone who has chosen not to have kids or has naturally had all the children they desired. It's someone who infertility hasn't graced their door step. They have no idea the emotional, physical, and financial struggle that infertility brings to a couple. I have thought about this often. Especially because in the UK I can legally on have two embryos put in at a time. If I had a choice I would put three in hoping one would "stick". In all my pondering I came back to the same thing I've heard a couple times and know others have heard many times and that is those with infertility shouldn't do more then pray and keep trying. There are those who believe fertility treatments are wrong. Of course the majority of those who believe that don't deal with infertility. I remember where I was the first time someone questioned the ethics behind fertility treatments. My thought was girl you haven't even started ttc. Knowing her other medical problems she is dealing with, infertility could easily be one of them. If she does decide to try she may be singing a different tune.

Anyway, I was going through this random dialogue in my head. To those who say fertility treatments - especially IVF - are wrong...

Look this baby in the eyes and tell her she was never supposed to be.

Tell her if you had your choice she never would have been.

Oh come on don't be like that. Yes, I know it's harder to say, "I wish you were never born when looking a baby in the eyes."

Is this easier? Go ahead and tell us we don't deserve children, but when you do make sure you back it with scripture not just your fertile minded opinion.

Now stop being a coward and trying to hide behind the Bible to justify Kaitlyn having never come to existence. If you read your Bible you would know your excuse doesn't hold water.

We could mix the ingredients together all we want - like the sperm and egg in an IVF - but we can't give it life. God is the giver of life. (Genesis 2:7) The doctor could inject as many sperm into eggs he wants, but only God can breathe the breath of life into it.

Psalms 139:13-16

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

All the days. God knew how Kaitlyn would be conceived. Life begins at conception... He planned it. He chose not to give life to some of the other embryos the doctor tried to create. In a couple weeks we will learn if He has chosen to allow us to keep some of those embryos. And next month we will learn if He has chosen for Kaitlyn to be an only child or a big sister.

Due Date

I should either have a baby in my arms right now or a very big belly impatiently waiting on the baby to come. It's hard to believe it was so long ago that I was pregnant even if it was only for a moment. To a point it feels longer then last fall. I almost feel like the last nine months was waisted time. Time when I could have been pregnant and reaching the point of having a complete family. One thing I have learned in our long journey to get pregnant again is that the first pregnancy (Kaitlyn) doesn't even come to mind when you are struggling yet again.

My realization over the last month. Now that I have two failed IVFs behind me the failure part is hard to get over. I've been having the same feeling as with home pregnancy tests (hpt). I hate hpt because when using one I always have the feeling that it will never read "pregnant", have two lines, a plus sign or whatever it's supposed to do. Using a hpt is like dooming any chances of a pregnancy. I know in reality this isn't true, but I can't wrap my mind around that truth. Now thinking about doing an FET reminds me of my last two IVFs. I'm starting to feel like they will never work. Will I just be throwing more money away doing an FET? It almost feels doomed before it starts. Especially because during the last IVF I really felt like it may have worked. I was having symptoms that I don't get before starting my period. My debate this time is not talking to so many people about what I'm doing when I'm doing it. I can't handle the fails hope.

My last thought for the moment... I know people stop by my site a lot because I see the footprints on my live feed. Few people comment, but that's fine because I know they do stop by. One thing that happened in the past when I posted about my fertility struggles is someone felt compelled to post negative comments, anonymous of course; coward! This blog is for me to vent and share whatever is going on in my life. If you don't like the fact that I complain about my struggle to get pregnant again then you should have stopped reading the post before you even reached this sentence. Click your back button, spit on your computer if you must spew venom, and regain your wits. I don't need to hear your negative comments. I have been in your shoes of not having a child and struggling to have one. Now I'm in the shoes you will hopefully one day be in of having a child yet still struggling to have one. Showing understanding to people still in the infertility race will in turn get you understanding later on too.

Okay I have one more thought. I just wanted to say I appreciate Hilary and all the encouragement and random comments she leaves me. It's nice when someone takes a glimpse into your life and actually takes a moment to say "Hey...". I can't leave out Christina too. I know nothing about her life because she doesn't have a blog, but from time to time she pops in to leave a little message.

My comments are open to anyone with or without a blog.

BFN

We didn't get the answer we had hoped for. The whole IVF process was twice as long as usual, three months to be exact, and yet we walk away empty handed. We have one more shot before we leave the UK. We are looking to do an FET before October. I'm not looking forward to the additional cost that we were not counting on. We had hoped to pay off our car before leaving here, but now we will need +$3,000 for one more attempt to give Kaitlyn a sibling.

My IVF ~ never ending

I never did update on how things are going. My IVF was never canceled nor has it progressed. All the deadlines I was given have all been like dead grass in the wind. Every two weeks I go back into the clinic, they give me more drugs and say two more weeks. There is more to the cost of IVF then just the financial aspect. Currently I'm paying the most physically over the financial and even emotional side of treatment. Nine and a half weeks of drugs that give you menopausal symptoms is not fun. If they tell me two more weeks this Monday I'm going to push the issue. I'm done taking the drugs. The injections no longer faze me, but the side effects are pushing me over the edge. If I'm drop dead tired I would rather it be from pregnancy not drugs. What's frustrating is by the time it's all said and done, given they don't put me off again, I will have had many of the same pregnancy symptoms I had with Kaitlyn, for 12 weeks then Lord willing do it for real for another 13 weeks. I guess the bonus is once I confirm I'm pregnant four of those weeks will be behind me.
As of right now I don't care to ever do this again. I guess it's a good thing that we can't afford a fourth round.

We Fought And Won

For the past month we have been banging our heads against a wall trying to get our needs met. I'm happy to say today it happened.

On March 25th I took Kaitlyn in for her MMR shot. We had put off getting it for her until she was 15 months. I don't think the vaccine causes autism because I know an unvaccinated autistic child, but there is so many scares going around I thought waiting until 15 months would be fine. I took her in to get it only to learn a mistake was made on her shot record two months ago. Basically a nurse brought in the shot, we refused, she was going to take it off the record and forgot. Two months later I learn of the mistake. Measles is on the come back in England and we really didn't want to be apart of the trend. We were worried about traveling even locally without her having the vaccine. A couple weeks ago I had Kaitlyn tested for the Rubella vaccine and it came back today negative. The clinic called Neal at work saying we can get her the vaccination now. Hopefully in six months when we need to get the second one we can refer back to the test results to prove the shot labeled as #2 was really #1. For now on I will not leave the room without a correct record; Kaitlyn's life depends on it.

My second battle was my third and final IVF. Anyone who has done IVF can tell you it isn't cheap so a forth round is out of the question. I call this one a battle, but it's not something I can physically fight. If my body isn't ready then it's not ready. It's the internal battle I struggle with. Felling like I miscarried when I wasn't even pregnant. When a doctor says you have two weeks to be ready you feel struck down before you even started running. Giving you a time limit so drop two pounds would be one thing, but your internal organs do not function on demand. The problem was despite the drugs that were supposed to shut down my ovary function my body was trucking along. When I went in everything should have been silent, but I was almost ready for ovulation. What can I say? I was ready to get the show on the road. =) The day after speaking with the doctor a nurse called saying the nurses and doctor talked over my case. It really sounded like the nurses went to bat for me. She said I have until May 8th to be ready then they must pull the plug. I can't tell you what a relief it was to hear. Who knows I may be ready by the 21st, but now the pressure is off. By the 8th my monthly friend should have arrived causing everything to go back to the prime IVF condition. Last week I started using injections instead of the nasal spray that didn't work. I'm a bit frustrated to be experiencing certain undesirable side effects, but if I get pregnant it will be worth it. Because of a change in weight I found the info slip that came with the drug and it confirmed weight gain is a side effect. =( I really need to get pregnant now so the weight will come off and I will have comfy clothes to wear; read maternity. When I got pregnant with Kaitlyn my ovaries were so swollen for the first trimester I started wearing maternity pants immediately to take the pressure off my lower belly. Unless the baby or babies come early we will not be having another Christmas Eve baby.

Infertility Sucks!

The IVF cycle we were working on has come to a screeching halt. I'm both disappointed and frustrated with the delay. I know, I know "God is in control", blah, blah, blah... I can't tell you how many times I have heard such well meaning cliches. I think infertility is one of the few times when the old saying, "If you can't say something nice don't say anything at all" really shouldn't be used. I feel it should be, "Don't say anything at all not even something nice." I know that might sound crazy, but when dealing with infertility even the nice words cut like a knife. We know God has a plan. We know our children will arrive in His timing. But no matter what it is still hard to wrap our minds around the fact that a simple thing our bodies were made to do they don't. Even after we step out of the natural way to get pregnant and hand ourselves over to science it's still hard to accept when we walk away empty handed. The people who make me smile are those who say, "Man that sucks!" Okay maybe they don't really say that, but instead of trying to cheer me up they try to understand that there are some issue in the world you can't just walk through. They know you must fight your way over the mountain. They can see the climb leaves you bruised and bleeding; and they acknowledge it. I was reading a blog today of a mother who gave birth six weeks ago. She said hello and goodbye to her precious baby boy all within an hour. I can't begin to imagine the pain the family is still going through. She said at her last postpartum appointment a nurse asked if she was breastfeeding. She was so hurt the lady didn't even look in her file before entering her room. She looked her square in the face and said, "My baby is dead." I could feel the lady's frustration in the moment. People don't understand your situation and say something so innocent that cuts you to the core. One thing I read throughout her blog was the desire for people to cry with them; to acknowledge the fact she has four children even though only two are living. She wanted people in her church to stop avoiding the subject and not apologize for crying in front of her. She said she wants to know other people grieve with her and do care about the little boy she no longer has in her arms. Even though I don't understand what it's like to give birth to a baby then quickly say goodbye, I do know what it's like to have people act cheery or even avoid subjects like pregnant friends and family. I know they mean well, but their approach hurts like a dagger to the chest. Like the lady said, I want to know you grieve with us. I want to know you are real person with real emotions you can express.

Guess what?! Infertility sucks! It's not a state of mind it's a state of being. It's like having a disease that if you don't tell people may never know you have it, but there's no cure. Sure I can try IVF and hope it works, but IVF doesn't fix the problem it helps manage it. I've had one successful IVF and one failed. The failed cycle is my reminder that there isn't a quick fix to everything. I'm not saying we aren't grateful to have Kaitlyn because we are. We were blessed to get pregnant our first cycle. On average it takes three tries, but I know people who are on #7 and still hoping for their first baby. Neal and I had lunch with a couple Sunday and the guy declared he wanted eight kids. Eight! What a nice dream for someone dealing with infertility. I told him he better have a lot of money because that is going to be a lot of IVF cycles. Currently the couple have one cycle under their belt and walked away empty handed. He thinks "their" dream will be fulled enough if she has four from their next cycle. It figures a guy would want a whole litter. I should have told him to buy a dog if he wants four babies at once. In the UK you can only put two embryos back so for them to have four some embryo splitting would have to happen.

I don't know who the first person was who said infertility was caused by stress. It really bugs me fertile people have really bought the thought and try to pass it on. Guess what, Neal and I could relax ourselves into comas and it wouldn't make a difference. Like I read once stress doesn't cause infertility, infertility causes stress. At one point we thought about adoption which of course brought up the comments on how we would have a child of our own once we adopted. To the fertile world I would like to tell you only 5% of families go on to have their own child after adopting because of infertility. Adoption doesn't suddenly cause the sun and moon to align so we can get pregnant. Adoption is how God lines up parents and child so they make a family not another baby. Oh, and once we do have a baby our "pipes" are not lubed so we can do it naturally next time. Guess what!!! the problem that caused the infertility is still there. IVF is still our first and last option in parenting a biological child. I guess it's people who don't know our cause of infertility who assume it's a quick fix; we plan on letting them live in their ignorance and keep all the little details to ourselves.

Can you tell I'm frustrated? Today was one of those days you could say when it rains it pours. Kaitlyn was being a pain making me second guess trying for #2. Sadie knocked over the trash can three times today. We don't feed our dogs table food so it really infuriates me she would eat out of our can. Before I left the house at 10:15 this morning I was ready to spank someone and both Kaitlyn and Sadie were in my line of fire. Some how we made it out the door and to the clinic in time for my appointment. I wasn't at the clinic long when I learned the shocking news that the meds didn't work. I've been taking a drug for four weeks to suppress my system yet my body has been trucking on currently preparing to ovulate. I can't tell you how frustrating it is to know you have waisted four weeks for nothing. The drugs have worked the last two times so I don't know what the deal is this time. The nurse said I needed to stay on the drug until my old friend arrives again. Uhgg, that's a good three weeks away. I was switched to the injection form of the drug instead of a nasal spray and sent home. A doctor called a few hours later to say the cycle my need to be canceled. He gave me two weeks for my period to arrive or he would pull the plug. I don't get his drive, but he really wants me to go the two weeks using the injections. He is supposed to call me back tomorrow. I really think I will tell him I'm done with this cycle and that we can try again next month. The problem is you cannot be suppressed more then six weeks. Or rather they don't want you on the suppressive drug longer then six weeks. We can't afford to try and fail. This is our third and final IVF; I would like it to run as smoothly as possible to give us the best chance at success. There is as whole lot more to everything, but the main thing is like I said... my body isn't ready and won't be when my time limit runs out. Some times I wish we would have to worry about a little "Oops" happening.

Have I said lately that infertility sucks?

Once pregnant again I would like a shirt with this on the belly.

I would like one for Kaitlyn too.

They (http://ivfbabies.tripod.com/index.html) have the image as a free download on their site. I don't think many would get it, but I like the shirt that says "ICSI Pixie" too.To many people are in the closet about the problem. I wish other couples would talk more so the issue wouldn't be such a problem.