Lost Dream

Kaitlyn Joy

Please pray for Jamie. She's a friend of mine that I've known for years, didn't talk with for a while, then reconnected with recently. I've never met Jamie in person. I got to know her around the time I got pregnant with Kaitlyn Joy and she her daughter. We went through the ups and downs, bleeding, cramping, and nausea of pregnancy together. During her pregnancy she was put into the hospital on bed rest. Before long, at 30 weeks, she delivered her little girl via c-section. She's a Halloween baby. Kaitlyn Joy arrived less then two months later three hours short of Christmas Day; she was 3 weeks and a day early. Five days later I brought Kaitlyn Joy home and two days after that her daughter came home from the hospital. When Jamie's daughter came home our girls were 2oz apart in weight. Our daughters were only home for a couple months when we started talking about trying again. Two rounds of IVF and one FET (frozen embryo transfer) later, not to mention a year and a half we called it quits.

Jamie's little girl

Infertility really takes a toll on your finances, health and sanity. You focus your whole life on getting pregnant. Sure Kaitlyn Joy was learning to walk, climb and talk all in the middle of it, but in the back of my mind, I'm missing the child who isn't present. It was hard to let that child go. It was important though. I needed to be fully present without looking to that next treatment.

Now fast forward two years. Jamie had tried the same drugs that worked before and moved on to IVF. It failed. She then went to her backup plan of a FET and today learned it failed too. She's done. My heart breaks for her. I know what it's like to have to pull the plug on your dream. I know what it's like to have your heart break multiple times a day for weeks when your arms are aching for the baby who isn't filling it.

Infertility is a cruel, cruel joke played on those of us who really want a baby. Are we selfish for wanting more then one baby? Let me ask you, are you selfish for having more then one just because you can? No it's not selfish to want another child; not for any of us.

Please pray for Jamie. She needs peace and comfort when her arms are aching for her lost dream.

Quick post about ~ Time

Time is the enemy to anyone dealing with infertility. A friend told me Friday morning they are done doing fertility treatments for the remainder of their time here in England. They are supposed to leave in May. For the kind of treatment they were going for the clinic just denied them. They've had two failed cycles so the clinic doesn't see a point in them going on. My heart breaks for them. If I were in their shoes I would feel like it's a nail in my coffin. I don't want to go into the details, but basically the clinic is fine if they want to try a different way however it would cost them to much. I'm amazed, but right now their plan is to try again if they go stateside. They have been trying about four years to get pregnant. I'm just thankful we had Kaitlyn or our clinic would have cut us off early too.

Please say a quick prayer for K & J. This setback could cost them a year and a half of waiting before they can actually go through another treatment.

Due Date

I should either have a baby in my arms right now or a very big belly impatiently waiting on the baby to come. It's hard to believe it was so long ago that I was pregnant even if it was only for a moment. To a point it feels longer then last fall. I almost feel like the last nine months was waisted time. Time when I could have been pregnant and reaching the point of having a complete family. One thing I have learned in our long journey to get pregnant again is that the first pregnancy (Kaitlyn) doesn't even come to mind when you are struggling yet again.

My realization over the last month. Now that I have two failed IVFs behind me the failure part is hard to get over. I've been having the same feeling as with home pregnancy tests (hpt). I hate hpt because when using one I always have the feeling that it will never read "pregnant", have two lines, a plus sign or whatever it's supposed to do. Using a hpt is like dooming any chances of a pregnancy. I know in reality this isn't true, but I can't wrap my mind around that truth. Now thinking about doing an FET reminds me of my last two IVFs. I'm starting to feel like they will never work. Will I just be throwing more money away doing an FET? It almost feels doomed before it starts. Especially because during the last IVF I really felt like it may have worked. I was having symptoms that I don't get before starting my period. My debate this time is not talking to so many people about what I'm doing when I'm doing it. I can't handle the fails hope.

My last thought for the moment... I know people stop by my site a lot because I see the footprints on my live feed. Few people comment, but that's fine because I know they do stop by. One thing that happened in the past when I posted about my fertility struggles is someone felt compelled to post negative comments, anonymous of course; coward! This blog is for me to vent and share whatever is going on in my life. If you don't like the fact that I complain about my struggle to get pregnant again then you should have stopped reading the post before you even reached this sentence. Click your back button, spit on your computer if you must spew venom, and regain your wits. I don't need to hear your negative comments. I have been in your shoes of not having a child and struggling to have one. Now I'm in the shoes you will hopefully one day be in of having a child yet still struggling to have one. Showing understanding to people still in the infertility race will in turn get you understanding later on too.

Okay I have one more thought. I just wanted to say I appreciate Hilary and all the encouragement and random comments she leaves me. It's nice when someone takes a glimpse into your life and actually takes a moment to say "Hey...". I can't leave out Christina too. I know nothing about her life because she doesn't have a blog, but from time to time she pops in to leave a little message.

My comments are open to anyone with or without a blog.

BFN

We didn't get the answer we had hoped for. The whole IVF process was twice as long as usual, three months to be exact, and yet we walk away empty handed. We have one more shot before we leave the UK. We are looking to do an FET before October. I'm not looking forward to the additional cost that we were not counting on. We had hoped to pay off our car before leaving here, but now we will need +$3,000 for one more attempt to give Kaitlyn a sibling.

We Fought And Won

For the past month we have been banging our heads against a wall trying to get our needs met. I'm happy to say today it happened.

On March 25th I took Kaitlyn in for her MMR shot. We had put off getting it for her until she was 15 months. I don't think the vaccine causes autism because I know an unvaccinated autistic child, but there is so many scares going around I thought waiting until 15 months would be fine. I took her in to get it only to learn a mistake was made on her shot record two months ago. Basically a nurse brought in the shot, we refused, she was going to take it off the record and forgot. Two months later I learn of the mistake. Measles is on the come back in England and we really didn't want to be apart of the trend. We were worried about traveling even locally without her having the vaccine. A couple weeks ago I had Kaitlyn tested for the Rubella vaccine and it came back today negative. The clinic called Neal at work saying we can get her the vaccination now. Hopefully in six months when we need to get the second one we can refer back to the test results to prove the shot labeled as #2 was really #1. For now on I will not leave the room without a correct record; Kaitlyn's life depends on it.

My second battle was my third and final IVF. Anyone who has done IVF can tell you it isn't cheap so a forth round is out of the question. I call this one a battle, but it's not something I can physically fight. If my body isn't ready then it's not ready. It's the internal battle I struggle with. Felling like I miscarried when I wasn't even pregnant. When a doctor says you have two weeks to be ready you feel struck down before you even started running. Giving you a time limit so drop two pounds would be one thing, but your internal organs do not function on demand. The problem was despite the drugs that were supposed to shut down my ovary function my body was trucking along. When I went in everything should have been silent, but I was almost ready for ovulation. What can I say? I was ready to get the show on the road. =) The day after speaking with the doctor a nurse called saying the nurses and doctor talked over my case. It really sounded like the nurses went to bat for me. She said I have until May 8th to be ready then they must pull the plug. I can't tell you what a relief it was to hear. Who knows I may be ready by the 21st, but now the pressure is off. By the 8th my monthly friend should have arrived causing everything to go back to the prime IVF condition. Last week I started using injections instead of the nasal spray that didn't work. I'm a bit frustrated to be experiencing certain undesirable side effects, but if I get pregnant it will be worth it. Because of a change in weight I found the info slip that came with the drug and it confirmed weight gain is a side effect. =( I really need to get pregnant now so the weight will come off and I will have comfy clothes to wear; read maternity. When I got pregnant with Kaitlyn my ovaries were so swollen for the first trimester I started wearing maternity pants immediately to take the pressure off my lower belly. Unless the baby or babies come early we will not be having another Christmas Eve baby.

Infertility Sucks!

The IVF cycle we were working on has come to a screeching halt. I'm both disappointed and frustrated with the delay. I know, I know "God is in control", blah, blah, blah... I can't tell you how many times I have heard such well meaning cliches. I think infertility is one of the few times when the old saying, "If you can't say something nice don't say anything at all" really shouldn't be used. I feel it should be, "Don't say anything at all not even something nice." I know that might sound crazy, but when dealing with infertility even the nice words cut like a knife. We know God has a plan. We know our children will arrive in His timing. But no matter what it is still hard to wrap our minds around the fact that a simple thing our bodies were made to do they don't. Even after we step out of the natural way to get pregnant and hand ourselves over to science it's still hard to accept when we walk away empty handed. The people who make me smile are those who say, "Man that sucks!" Okay maybe they don't really say that, but instead of trying to cheer me up they try to understand that there are some issue in the world you can't just walk through. They know you must fight your way over the mountain. They can see the climb leaves you bruised and bleeding; and they acknowledge it. I was reading a blog today of a mother who gave birth six weeks ago. She said hello and goodbye to her precious baby boy all within an hour. I can't begin to imagine the pain the family is still going through. She said at her last postpartum appointment a nurse asked if she was breastfeeding. She was so hurt the lady didn't even look in her file before entering her room. She looked her square in the face and said, "My baby is dead." I could feel the lady's frustration in the moment. People don't understand your situation and say something so innocent that cuts you to the core. One thing I read throughout her blog was the desire for people to cry with them; to acknowledge the fact she has four children even though only two are living. She wanted people in her church to stop avoiding the subject and not apologize for crying in front of her. She said she wants to know other people grieve with her and do care about the little boy she no longer has in her arms. Even though I don't understand what it's like to give birth to a baby then quickly say goodbye, I do know what it's like to have people act cheery or even avoid subjects like pregnant friends and family. I know they mean well, but their approach hurts like a dagger to the chest. Like the lady said, I want to know you grieve with us. I want to know you are real person with real emotions you can express.

Guess what?! Infertility sucks! It's not a state of mind it's a state of being. It's like having a disease that if you don't tell people may never know you have it, but there's no cure. Sure I can try IVF and hope it works, but IVF doesn't fix the problem it helps manage it. I've had one successful IVF and one failed. The failed cycle is my reminder that there isn't a quick fix to everything. I'm not saying we aren't grateful to have Kaitlyn because we are. We were blessed to get pregnant our first cycle. On average it takes three tries, but I know people who are on #7 and still hoping for their first baby. Neal and I had lunch with a couple Sunday and the guy declared he wanted eight kids. Eight! What a nice dream for someone dealing with infertility. I told him he better have a lot of money because that is going to be a lot of IVF cycles. Currently the couple have one cycle under their belt and walked away empty handed. He thinks "their" dream will be fulled enough if she has four from their next cycle. It figures a guy would want a whole litter. I should have told him to buy a dog if he wants four babies at once. In the UK you can only put two embryos back so for them to have four some embryo splitting would have to happen.

I don't know who the first person was who said infertility was caused by stress. It really bugs me fertile people have really bought the thought and try to pass it on. Guess what, Neal and I could relax ourselves into comas and it wouldn't make a difference. Like I read once stress doesn't cause infertility, infertility causes stress. At one point we thought about adoption which of course brought up the comments on how we would have a child of our own once we adopted. To the fertile world I would like to tell you only 5% of families go on to have their own child after adopting because of infertility. Adoption doesn't suddenly cause the sun and moon to align so we can get pregnant. Adoption is how God lines up parents and child so they make a family not another baby. Oh, and once we do have a baby our "pipes" are not lubed so we can do it naturally next time. Guess what!!! the problem that caused the infertility is still there. IVF is still our first and last option in parenting a biological child. I guess it's people who don't know our cause of infertility who assume it's a quick fix; we plan on letting them live in their ignorance and keep all the little details to ourselves.

Can you tell I'm frustrated? Today was one of those days you could say when it rains it pours. Kaitlyn was being a pain making me second guess trying for #2. Sadie knocked over the trash can three times today. We don't feed our dogs table food so it really infuriates me she would eat out of our can. Before I left the house at 10:15 this morning I was ready to spank someone and both Kaitlyn and Sadie were in my line of fire. Some how we made it out the door and to the clinic in time for my appointment. I wasn't at the clinic long when I learned the shocking news that the meds didn't work. I've been taking a drug for four weeks to suppress my system yet my body has been trucking on currently preparing to ovulate. I can't tell you how frustrating it is to know you have waisted four weeks for nothing. The drugs have worked the last two times so I don't know what the deal is this time. The nurse said I needed to stay on the drug until my old friend arrives again. Uhgg, that's a good three weeks away. I was switched to the injection form of the drug instead of a nasal spray and sent home. A doctor called a few hours later to say the cycle my need to be canceled. He gave me two weeks for my period to arrive or he would pull the plug. I don't get his drive, but he really wants me to go the two weeks using the injections. He is supposed to call me back tomorrow. I really think I will tell him I'm done with this cycle and that we can try again next month. The problem is you cannot be suppressed more then six weeks. Or rather they don't want you on the suppressive drug longer then six weeks. We can't afford to try and fail. This is our third and final IVF; I would like it to run as smoothly as possible to give us the best chance at success. There is as whole lot more to everything, but the main thing is like I said... my body isn't ready and won't be when my time limit runs out. Some times I wish we would have to worry about a little "Oops" happening.

Have I said lately that infertility sucks?

Once pregnant again I would like a shirt with this on the belly.

I would like one for Kaitlyn too.

They (http://ivfbabies.tripod.com/index.html) have the image as a free download on their site. I don't think many would get it, but I like the shirt that says "ICSI Pixie" too.To many people are in the closet about the problem. I wish other couples would talk more so the issue wouldn't be such a problem.