Lost Dream

Kaitlyn Joy

Please pray for Jamie. She's a friend of mine that I've known for years, didn't talk with for a while, then reconnected with recently. I've never met Jamie in person. I got to know her around the time I got pregnant with Kaitlyn Joy and she her daughter. We went through the ups and downs, bleeding, cramping, and nausea of pregnancy together. During her pregnancy she was put into the hospital on bed rest. Before long, at 30 weeks, she delivered her little girl via c-section. She's a Halloween baby. Kaitlyn Joy arrived less then two months later three hours short of Christmas Day; she was 3 weeks and a day early. Five days later I brought Kaitlyn Joy home and two days after that her daughter came home from the hospital. When Jamie's daughter came home our girls were 2oz apart in weight. Our daughters were only home for a couple months when we started talking about trying again. Two rounds of IVF and one FET (frozen embryo transfer) later, not to mention a year and a half we called it quits.

Jamie's little girl

Infertility really takes a toll on your finances, health and sanity. You focus your whole life on getting pregnant. Sure Kaitlyn Joy was learning to walk, climb and talk all in the middle of it, but in the back of my mind, I'm missing the child who isn't present. It was hard to let that child go. It was important though. I needed to be fully present without looking to that next treatment.

Now fast forward two years. Jamie had tried the same drugs that worked before and moved on to IVF. It failed. She then went to her backup plan of a FET and today learned it failed too. She's done. My heart breaks for her. I know what it's like to have to pull the plug on your dream. I know what it's like to have your heart break multiple times a day for weeks when your arms are aching for the baby who isn't filling it.

Infertility is a cruel, cruel joke played on those of us who really want a baby. Are we selfish for wanting more then one baby? Let me ask you, are you selfish for having more then one just because you can? No it's not selfish to want another child; not for any of us.

Please pray for Jamie. She needs peace and comfort when her arms are aching for her lost dream.

Due Date

I should either have a baby in my arms right now or a very big belly impatiently waiting on the baby to come. It's hard to believe it was so long ago that I was pregnant even if it was only for a moment. To a point it feels longer then last fall. I almost feel like the last nine months was waisted time. Time when I could have been pregnant and reaching the point of having a complete family. One thing I have learned in our long journey to get pregnant again is that the first pregnancy (Kaitlyn) doesn't even come to mind when you are struggling yet again.

My realization over the last month. Now that I have two failed IVFs behind me the failure part is hard to get over. I've been having the same feeling as with home pregnancy tests (hpt). I hate hpt because when using one I always have the feeling that it will never read "pregnant", have two lines, a plus sign or whatever it's supposed to do. Using a hpt is like dooming any chances of a pregnancy. I know in reality this isn't true, but I can't wrap my mind around that truth. Now thinking about doing an FET reminds me of my last two IVFs. I'm starting to feel like they will never work. Will I just be throwing more money away doing an FET? It almost feels doomed before it starts. Especially because during the last IVF I really felt like it may have worked. I was having symptoms that I don't get before starting my period. My debate this time is not talking to so many people about what I'm doing when I'm doing it. I can't handle the fails hope.

My last thought for the moment... I know people stop by my site a lot because I see the footprints on my live feed. Few people comment, but that's fine because I know they do stop by. One thing that happened in the past when I posted about my fertility struggles is someone felt compelled to post negative comments, anonymous of course; coward! This blog is for me to vent and share whatever is going on in my life. If you don't like the fact that I complain about my struggle to get pregnant again then you should have stopped reading the post before you even reached this sentence. Click your back button, spit on your computer if you must spew venom, and regain your wits. I don't need to hear your negative comments. I have been in your shoes of not having a child and struggling to have one. Now I'm in the shoes you will hopefully one day be in of having a child yet still struggling to have one. Showing understanding to people still in the infertility race will in turn get you understanding later on too.

Okay I have one more thought. I just wanted to say I appreciate Hilary and all the encouragement and random comments she leaves me. It's nice when someone takes a glimpse into your life and actually takes a moment to say "Hey...". I can't leave out Christina too. I know nothing about her life because she doesn't have a blog, but from time to time she pops in to leave a little message.

My comments are open to anyone with or without a blog.

BFN

We didn't get the answer we had hoped for. The whole IVF process was twice as long as usual, three months to be exact, and yet we walk away empty handed. We have one more shot before we leave the UK. We are looking to do an FET before October. I'm not looking forward to the additional cost that we were not counting on. We had hoped to pay off our car before leaving here, but now we will need +$3,000 for one more attempt to give Kaitlyn a sibling.