Monday, June 21, 2010

I Hate Father's Day...

It's not just Father's Day that I hate, but Mother's Day too. Maybe hate is to strong of a word. I just wish there wasn't a day set apart to remind those dealing with infertility that their dream still hasn't come true. It's like throwing salt in an open, gaping wound. Think about it... You're sitting in church on Mother's Day. You've been struggling with infertility for a couple years. The children come out and do a cute song and dance for all the moms. The sermon is all about how great moms are. Then at some point they have all the moms stand up while everyone claps, children come out of the wood work with flowers in tow. The kids also present their mom with a craft they did in children's church. It's all touching. People cry. But no one seems to notice the tears of a couple ladies in the room as being out of the norm. They don't realize the tears are because their heart is being ripped open as they are reminded once again how empty their arms and womb are. Or maybe the ladies didn't even come to church on this... horrible day. We've most definitely skipped church on Mother's and Father's Day.

I've learned that having Kaitlyn Joy doesn't end the dread of Mother's Day. Now I get honored all the while knowing a childless woman around me could be hurting. She doesn't know that not only did we struggle to have Kj, but it's a fight we still must take on if we want more. You know infertility doesn't end simply because you have a child or two it just loses priority in your life or becomes your form of birth control. If she's smart she would have skipped church.

So Sunday, I went to church and cried during the songs. Neal wasn't there and we're to new in the church for anyone to know I wasn't crying because the message was so awesome, but it cut deep. They reminded me that yes we have the girl we wanted, but... is she the end of our story? Although I would be fine with a house of girls, I know Neal would like a son. Unlike 6 out of 7 of my peers I can't just spout out another child hoping for an opposite gender. Or simply spout out another child. For me to have a child it involves needles, bruising, more needles, swollen ovaries, dread of more needles, weight gain, privacy invaded when at all possible, eggs being taken, embryo growing in a petri dish, then the dreaded two week wait. During my last procedure I knew it had failed 2-3 days before I was supposed to go in for a blood test. I opted to skip the test. Why add insult to injury? The clinic called to remind me I need to come in. I told them I knew it was false and wasn't going to drive an hour for them to confirm it. The lady pleaded. The call ended with her telling me I needed to go to my doctor to confirm the procedure didn't work. Who in the world wants to do that?!! Sure please put in my file that yet ANOTHER treatment didn't work. When the lady called back a few days later to see what the results were I told her I wasn't pregnant. She assumed I went to my doctor or peed on a stick (POAS). Actually I believe she wrote it down as if I POAS. Whatever the case may have been if I did by some insane chance later find out I was pregnant from the procedure I wasn't going to call them. I know they want their records to be accurate, but demanding I take a test wasn't pleasant.

To finish off my ramblings I would just like to say, thank God we have survived another year of Mother's/Father's Day.

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