Monday, April 7, 2008

Infertility Sucks!

The IVF cycle we were working on has come to a screeching halt. I'm both disappointed and frustrated with the delay. I know, I know "God is in control", blah, blah, blah... I can't tell you how many times I have heard such well meaning cliches. I think infertility is one of the few times when the old saying, "If you can't say something nice don't say anything at all" really shouldn't be used. I feel it should be, "Don't say anything at all not even something nice." I know that might sound crazy, but when dealing with infertility even the nice words cut like a knife. We know God has a plan. We know our children will arrive in His timing. But no matter what it is still hard to wrap our minds around the fact that a simple thing our bodies were made to do they don't. Even after we step out of the natural way to get pregnant and hand ourselves over to science it's still hard to accept when we walk away empty handed. The people who make me smile are those who say, "Man that sucks!" Okay maybe they don't really say that, but instead of trying to cheer me up they try to understand that there are some issue in the world you can't just walk through. They know you must fight your way over the mountain. They can see the climb leaves you bruised and bleeding; and they acknowledge it. I was reading a blog today of a mother who gave birth six weeks ago. She said hello and goodbye to her precious baby boy all within an hour. I can't begin to imagine the pain the family is still going through. She said at her last postpartum appointment a nurse asked if she was breastfeeding. She was so hurt the lady didn't even look in her file before entering her room. She looked her square in the face and said, "My baby is dead." I could feel the lady's frustration in the moment. People don't understand your situation and say something so innocent that cuts you to the core. One thing I read throughout her blog was the desire for people to cry with them; to acknowledge the fact she has four children even though only two are living. She wanted people in her church to stop avoiding the subject and not apologize for crying in front of her. She said she wants to know other people grieve with her and do care about the little boy she no longer has in her arms. Even though I don't understand what it's like to give birth to a baby then quickly say goodbye, I do know what it's like to have people act cheery or even avoid subjects like pregnant friends and family. I know they mean well, but their approach hurts like a dagger to the chest. Like the lady said, I want to know you grieve with us. I want to know you are real person with real emotions you can express.

Guess what?! Infertility sucks! It's not a state of mind it's a state of being. It's like having a disease that if you don't tell people may never know you have it, but there's no cure. Sure I can try IVF and hope it works, but IVF doesn't fix the problem it helps manage it. I've had one successful IVF and one failed. The failed cycle is my reminder that there isn't a quick fix to everything. I'm not saying we aren't grateful to have Kaitlyn because we are. We were blessed to get pregnant our first cycle. On average it takes three tries, but I know people who are on #7 and still hoping for their first baby. Neal and I had lunch with a couple Sunday and the guy declared he wanted eight kids. Eight! What a nice dream for someone dealing with infertility. I told him he better have a lot of money because that is going to be a lot of IVF cycles. Currently the couple have one cycle under their belt and walked away empty handed. He thinks "their" dream will be fulled enough if she has four from their next cycle. It figures a guy would want a whole litter. I should have told him to buy a dog if he wants four babies at once. In the UK you can only put two embryos back so for them to have four some embryo splitting would have to happen.

I don't know who the first person was who said infertility was caused by stress. It really bugs me fertile people have really bought the thought and try to pass it on. Guess what, Neal and I could relax ourselves into comas and it wouldn't make a difference. Like I read once stress doesn't cause infertility, infertility causes stress. At one point we thought about adoption which of course brought up the comments on how we would have a child of our own once we adopted. To the fertile world I would like to tell you only 5% of families go on to have their own child after adopting because of infertility. Adoption doesn't suddenly cause the sun and moon to align so we can get pregnant. Adoption is how God lines up parents and child so they make a family not another baby. Oh, and once we do have a baby our "pipes" are not lubed so we can do it naturally next time. Guess what!!! the problem that caused the infertility is still there. IVF is still our first and last option in parenting a biological child. I guess it's people who don't know our cause of infertility who assume it's a quick fix; we plan on letting them live in their ignorance and keep all the little details to ourselves.

Can you tell I'm frustrated? Today was one of those days you could say when it rains it pours. Kaitlyn was being a pain making me second guess trying for #2. Sadie knocked over the trash can three times today. We don't feed our dogs table food so it really infuriates me she would eat out of our can. Before I left the house at 10:15 this morning I was ready to spank someone and both Kaitlyn and Sadie were in my line of fire. Some how we made it out the door and to the clinic in time for my appointment. I wasn't at the clinic long when I learned the shocking news that the meds didn't work. I've been taking a drug for four weeks to suppress my system yet my body has been trucking on currently preparing to ovulate. I can't tell you how frustrating it is to know you have waisted four weeks for nothing. The drugs have worked the last two times so I don't know what the deal is this time. The nurse said I needed to stay on the drug until my old friend arrives again. Uhgg, that's a good three weeks away. I was switched to the injection form of the drug instead of a nasal spray and sent home. A doctor called a few hours later to say the cycle my need to be canceled. He gave me two weeks for my period to arrive or he would pull the plug. I don't get his drive, but he really wants me to go the two weeks using the injections. He is supposed to call me back tomorrow. I really think I will tell him I'm done with this cycle and that we can try again next month. The problem is you cannot be suppressed more then six weeks. Or rather they don't want you on the suppressive drug longer then six weeks. We can't afford to try and fail. This is our third and final IVF; I would like it to run as smoothly as possible to give us the best chance at success. There is as whole lot more to everything, but the main thing is like I said... my body isn't ready and won't be when my time limit runs out. Some times I wish we would have to worry about a little "Oops" happening.

Have I said lately that infertility sucks?

Once pregnant again I would like a shirt with this on the belly.

I would like one for Kaitlyn too.

They ( have the image as a free download on their site. I don't think many would get it, but I like the shirt that says "ICSI Pixie" too.To many people are in the closet about the problem. I wish other couples would talk more so the issue wouldn't be such a problem.


Hilary said...

Oh I hear you!! All I can say is hang in there!! I never had to do IVF but I understand the want to be pregnant...we had three miscarrages before we had our 1st child...thankfully we were blessed with one more. It's hard to be patient when it seems that every where you look there is a pregnant lady or a brand new baby....I will be saying a special prayer for you..Hang in there God is GOOD!! :)

AdoptedAsHisOwn said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
AdoptedAsHisOwn said...

Jennifer!!!!! It is not a fun journey! I know! five years of infertility was the hardest road I was ever on. It does not help for the "fertile" to give advice or encouragement. They don't mean to be insensitive they just can't possibly understand but their heart is right. All I can say without being insensitive is He does have a plan! I know this for sure!! My prayers are with you! I will sign my family blog address but you know me as SewSensible :) Click our adoption story on our family blog. Not to say adoption is for you but when you read our story you will see that God had a plan for our infertility years and I believe He has one for you! :)

Anonymous said...

First time on your blog. Although you may not like to to hear it -- just to remind oneself that it could always be worse -- I can't stand hearing/reading about people complaining about infertility after they already have a child in their lives. For those of us who have none, it sucks to hear the whining. Again, it could always be worse, right?