Wednesday, March 23, 2011

They're Gone

"Though my heart is torn, I will praise you in this storm." ~ Casting Crowns

Today we had the unfortunate experience of learning our two babies no longer have a heartbeat.  I would rather not have gotten a positive pregnancy test then to have them taken away now.  Perhaps it is worse that although life has left them, I'm still pregnant.  It's as if my body knows they aren't supposed to be getting an eviction notice yet.  They still have a solid 6.5 months to bake.  Over the last 3-4 days I've noticed a difference.  I asked the ultrasound tech today if my ovaries were shrinking.  She said they are still large, but she could tell they are on the mend.  She wanted to know if they had stopped hurting.  They hadn't.  Actually the discomfort I've had lately feels more like the uterus stretching I had with Kaitlyn Joy at this stage.  I still can't stand up fast or my poor ovaries get pinched.  Now it just seems cruel.  I had noticed because my "baby belly" was looking... slimmer.  My boobs have ached all day which just makes me mad.  I can take the pain, even welcome it, if my babies are alive and thriving, but they're not.  I've been crazy exhausted the last couple days mixed with nausea so bad at times I pull my hair back and get ready.  Now it makes me want to curse the blasted drugs that were supposed to be helping me sustain the pregnancy.  Instead they are just making me feel pregnant.  Only God knows why they didn't make it.  I did all I could, the doctors did everything to the best of their knowledge, the rest was and is up to God.  I don't blame Him; there's a reason for everything.  I just wish He hadn't let me know about them in the first place.

My feelings are quite twisted right now.  Part of me is beyond grateful I didn't go full term then birth sleeping babies.  The other side aches that these two don't get their lives nor deaths acknowledge like a stillborn does.  I never want to birth a stillborn although to a certain degree that is what will happen.

We have to go tomorrow and talk about our "options".  Ummm... How about you bring my babies back?  Oh, that's not an option?  If nothing else at least these long six weeks are behind us.


Wittschen's said...

I am so sorry to read this. I have been praying for you and your hubby ever since you wrote your 1st post about the beta numbers. I can only imagine what you are going through right now. I will continue to pray for you and your family for God to give you some peace and understanding. It makes me mad to hear news like this as well, I just don't understand why God lets girls get pregnant in the 1st place, if he is just going to take it away. That is something I struggle with... questioning God and his plan.

I'm so very sorry, and I will continue to pray that God's plan will be revealed for you and Neal having another baby. I think it is horrible that people have told you that you are selfish for wanting another child. I am blown away day after day with what people say to others. It's like they were not taught manners or something. totally crazy.

Hang in there. I don't have the words to make it better, but just know that you and your family are being lifted up in prayer.

Anonymous said...

Jennifer- I have been keeping you, Neil, and KJ in my thoughts daily since I found out you were trying again. My heart aches for your loss. Your struggle has been different than mine, but I know the pain you are going through losing a child this early. Know that you are not alone in your grief and that I am still thinking of you all. I have no better words of comfort.
Love- Jen aka Snowfrog from Xanga

Hilary said...

Oh Jennifer my heart is broken...praying for you and your family!!!