"Though my heart is torn, I will praise you in this storm." ~ Casting Crowns
Today we had the unfortunate experience of learning our two babies no longer have a heartbeat. I would rather not have gotten a positive pregnancy test then to have them taken away now. Perhaps it is worse that although life has left them, I'm still pregnant. It's as if my body knows they aren't supposed to be getting an eviction notice yet. They still have a solid 6.5 months to bake. Over the last 3-4 days I've noticed a difference. I asked the ultrasound tech today if my ovaries were shrinking. She said they are still large, but she could tell they are on the mend. She wanted to know if they had stopped hurting. They hadn't. Actually the discomfort I've had lately feels more like the uterus stretching I had with Kaitlyn Joy at this stage. I still can't stand up fast or my poor ovaries get pinched. Now it just seems cruel. I had noticed because my "baby belly" was looking... slimmer. My boobs have ached all day which just makes me mad. I can take the pain, even welcome it, if my babies are alive and thriving, but they're not. I've been crazy exhausted the last couple days mixed with nausea so bad at times I pull my hair back and get ready. Now it makes me want to curse the blasted drugs that were supposed to be helping me sustain the pregnancy. Instead they are just making me feel pregnant. Only God knows why they didn't make it. I did all I could, the doctors did everything to the best of their knowledge, the rest was and is up to God. I don't blame Him; there's a reason for everything. I just wish He hadn't let me know about them in the first place.
My feelings are quite twisted right now. Part of me is beyond grateful I didn't go full term then birth sleeping babies. The other side aches that these two don't get their lives nor deaths acknowledge like a stillborn does. I never want to birth a stillborn although to a certain degree that is what will happen.
We have to go tomorrow and talk about our "options". Ummm... How about you bring my babies back? Oh, that's not an option? If nothing else at least these long six weeks are behind us.