I meant to post this last week...
I'm no longer just surviving. Sure from time to time I might have a problem with losing the twins, but I'm honestly doing fine. I don't want to debate if I'll ever get pregnant naturally. That's totally up to God and I most certainly will not play around in that area mentally nor emotionally. I'm honestly good with the prospect of never being pregnant again. People can do the whole "Oh, it's not good for Kaitlyn Joy to be an only child" all they want; if God wills it then she will be it. Who are we to say it's not a good thing? Do we know better then God? I think not.
The one thing I have a hard time seperating is losing the twins and all the other babies that went before them. I've thought about seeing if my parents would be fine with me planting a tree at their place for the babies. My dad told me recently he only wants to plant pecan trees. As much as I love pecan trees there is no way I would plant one in memory of the babies; my parents have NEVER had a pecan tree that they have planted to live. How messed up would that be if the tree died too?! Can you picture mom and dad trying to replace it before I noticed it died? Anyway, when the thought of the trees comes up it's always followed by, do we plant one for each? If so what about the other 23? Do I plant 25 trees? LOL... 25 trees. Honestly that seems absurd. Mom and Dad, how about an orchard? *snickers* No I think the best option, if we were to do it, would be to plant one tree in honor of all of them.
Seeing how we now have three Christmas trees I've toyed with the idea of making one of them an angel tree. I'm not looking to wallow in self pitty nor dwell on losing the babies. It's just... they did exist. Kj is a big sister even though all who was to come after her passed away. Actually Kj was a twin in utero (twin didn't attach) and a quad in the petri dish. 22 embryos came after her and her three (same age) siblings. The tree would be to honor them. Now, if I do it, I need to decided if I'm going to make the ornaments or buy them.